🧠 𝗠𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗮𝗹 𝗪𝗲𝗹𝗹𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗠𝗼𝗻𝗱𝗮𝘆: 𝗦𝗵𝗮𝗺𝗲, 𝗕𝗲 𝗚𝗼𝗻𝗲!

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Before we begin, 2 quick mentions:

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🌎 This Week’s Mental Wellness Monday from Dr.

@Pam Hernandez kaufman

Shame, Be Gone!

No matter where I travel in the world, regardless of who I have in my office or in a training, support group, or class by far the most common theme that comes up time after time is shame. If I have said it once, I have said it a thousand times, shame is toxic. It is the single most powerful limiter. It keeps us stuck and prevents a human from showing up in life fully, authentically, as that person was always designed to be. It alters how we see ourselves and how we perceive others see us. Shame, quite honestly, pisses me off royally. If I were a violent person, I would want to beat shame up behind the lunchroom.

So, what is it? Shame is about who I am. It is different than guilt which is feeling bad about something I did. Shame is far deeper and damaging. It’s a belief that I am bad. Because the brain does not know how to process shame, it activates the trauma response when shame is felt. Our brain senses that we are in danger…danger of being seen, of being hurt again, of being judged, of being ignored. Shame gets its grip on us when we internalize the action or inaction of important people in our lives—parents, coaches, teachers, relatives, friends, siblings…anyone. When they ignore, minimize, ridicule, deny, or demean needs, thoughts and/or feelings we can begin to lose our true self. Shame can sneak in the backdoor of our soul through hurt, offense, rejection, abandonment, abuse, loss, neglect, feeling invisible, emotional wounds…anything else that causes us to feel bad about who we are.

Shame causes us to take things real personally, to fear intimacy, to feel “less than”, to feel “naked emotionally”, to fear vulnerability. Brene Brown says the cure for shame is exactly that—vulnerability. Ironically, the root word for vulnerable is “vulnarare” which means “to wound or hurt”. Here’s the deal—people hurt us AND people also heal us. Healing comes when we release the grip shame has on us and remember we are worthy, valuable, good enough and we risk connecting with others. Oh…importantly with healthy boundaries in place.

There is only one benefit of shame and that is to allow us to remain humble knowing we are all flawed. That way I can feel empathy and relate to others in their humanness. By the way, I am not talking about conviction. Conviction helps me turn and change a behavior that may not be good or healthy for me. But…shame is different. It’s feels heavy and yuck. Thing is--we are never meant to carry shame around. Glance…don’t glare!

Listen! If you are carrying shame around with you it is a heavy, burdensome load you were never meant to carry. Let it go! It belongs back where it came from. I want you to think this way—“I am not bad. What happened to me was bad. There is nothing wrong with me. That thing, person, whatever…that was wrong.”

When something happens that makes you feel shame, feel the feeling, learn from it, then release it. Remind yourself that you are a good and worthy imperfect human. Don’t allow shame to convince you otherwise. Don’t hide who you are! Hey--we need good people like you to show up in the world. Change your narrative and push the Shame Story away from your heart and mind! Shame, be gone!

You might want to pick up one of the great books on shame—John Bradshaw’s “Healing the Shame That Binds You”, “Released from Shame” by Sandra Wilson, “The Soul of Shame” by Dr. Curt Thompson, or “I Thought It Was Just Me”—Brene Brown.

On the journey with you,

Dr. Pam

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