RSD/obsessive competitiveness.

I ride my bike nearly every day, sometimes fairly quickly and log the rides on a website, where you get a virtual crown if you’re the fastest from one village up the next, up the local hill or round to the shops and back. I have a reasonable collection of these and live in fear that someone (Mike) will steal them from me.

Now in the big scheme of things, or even in a smudgy pencil sketch of things done with a fat, soft pencil, I am no actual athlete. I come mid table in my races and get beaten by people of my age fairly regularly. These stupid virtual crowns should mean nothing, but it feels like a painful blow when someone (Mike) takes them from me.

I had my first CBT session the other day to help with depression and recurrent vivid, painful memories and we touched on this. How the notification that Mike has done it again hurts the very fabric of my being, tearing a hole in my self-belief, and wobbling my wobbly self esteem. We agreed that the virtual badges don’t mean anything, don’t reflect at all on the overall worth of a retired scientist with lots of publications*, nice dogs, lovely wife, happy, funny children. I was nodding in agreement, but 80% of my brain was simultaneously plotting how to steal some badges back.

I don’t know whether today’s and yesterday’s bicycle rides have helped or hindered really. I’m absolutely knackered after going flat out.

It sounds like a joke, but it feels like a serious issue.

* lots of publications is a bit like lots of virtual crowns, being tangible evidence of success that don’t touch the surface of core inadequacy.

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