Had an epiphany! · ADHD Harmony™

Had an epiphany!

I am very sensitive to "tough love", as I always got the TOUGH part but never the LOVE...

So I don't actually thrive with that. HOWEVER, I realized a gentler way to redirect myself.

I can tell myself that ALL I have to remember is that there are always TWO "channels" playing: the one that gets me stuck and keeps me stuck (or worse), and the one that uplifts me.

So if there are always TWO channels playing, then at any moment of any day, I can tune in and ask myself which channel am I "tuned into" right now?

And instead of feeling frustrated or feeling like I have to somehow eliminate the channel that is keeping me stuck (in a misguided attempt to keep me "safe"), I can simply bring that one with me AS I tune into the other channel.

My daughter left yesterday for the summer. I went from literally 24-7 at home with her taking care of her being present with her managing my emotions (not temper but more grief fear etc)... to... gone.

In the past, being honest, i would have basically disassociated for i don't know how long after she left.

I don't have "family " that I can ACTUALLY be safe around. So I go from hard core running the ship completely to completely isolated 😬

But all of that to say, it is less than 24 hours after she left... and I have already made different choices this time. 🥳

At first it felt like "why bother? NO ONE is seeing me today etc".. but ultimately I realized that I self abandoned ALLL the time in the past.

And I'm NOT freaking doing that this time!! I truly need to treat this as two people live here. TWO. Me AND her. And just because she is currently gone doesn't mean *I* don't still exist.

But that is NEW for me. Truly.

So that being said, I have done a load of laundry and done a workout! And before that I took my vitamins and have drank a lot of water and eaten protein! And had aha moments!

This is probably the way I'd be acting in the past by Wednesday after she left. So from Saturday to Wednesday in the past, I'd be basically disassociated. Not really eat or drink until I was starving and then it would be total junk. Most likely would have drank a decent amount too. To escape the absolute jarring feeling of going from 24/7 to nothing. Especially where she's going and all of that.

My actual point in this is REALIZING that I process verbally and through movement. So me working out isn't me avoiding painful feelings. It is having my body work through them. Now the caveat is, if tears come as a result, to then let them out. Otherwise I AM trying to avoid etc.

So alllll of that to say, if you're feeling STUCK right now, I viscerally get it. But if you can remember ONE thing (me too!!) it is this: there are always TWO channels playing. One that keeps you stuck. And one that lifts you up.

And choose to tune into the one that lifts you up. And take an action in that direction. However "small" it might seem.

THAT is how I personally get unstuck now.

Another thing is I will ask myself: what is next?

And even if I don't have an exact routine dialed in yet, I am doing my streaks every day. That is a fact.

And that means EVERY day. Including today.

And that is something to feel proud of.

I just now worked out in a small living room that literally has bags of my daughter's stuff... but I have my yoga mat out and that little area is MY space.

And I'm realizing more and more that working out for me is not even so much about the physical as it is the MENTAL.

It helps me SEE things accurately. So that I CAN make changes. Rather than before, I would wait until I "felt better" to even try to feel any better. I didn't know. I was abused and neglected. So I didn't know. I would spiral because I wouldn't eat or drink water.

But now I do. So I'm holding myself accountable FOR taking CARE of myself.

Even though it feels weird. It feels unnatural etc.

Ok! Thanks for letting me share! I'm going to "tune in" to the channel (that is always playing remember!) of self worth and uplifting, and see what it wants me to do next 😁

Love you guys! Don't EVER give up!!

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