The part of my story I've been hiding or apologizing for is: Being an emotional and moody kind of person. So much so that I really question myself and if I even really have a growth mindset. I can sometimes become depressive, and struggle to do things or even reach my goals. The way I could start owning it as a strength is: It made me proactive in doing something about the depression. I went through all sorts of modalities, traditional therapy, coaching and somatic work and boundaries and emotional and nervous system regulation programmes that were centred around Islam , hypnosis; bodytalks. It made me learn, that even with all of this. I had to keep turning back to Allah. And all those modalities supported me into repairing my relationship with Allah. So a strength from this , is that I am actually a determined person, when I think something is important.

@Sherifatu Ayuba Jazakallah ❤️ Ameen 🤲🏽🥹

How are you managing with looking through profiles? For me - this is exactly where the ick comes from. I don’t feel attracted, and honestly the higher education is something I’m struggling to look past. Although I’m in South Africa. And I don’t know your situation in your part of the world.

@Sadia Riaz same here 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️I have feel viscerally HEAVY and queesy even.

@Medinat Akindele relate to this so much . I tell myself I am “recovering” 🙈

One way I have been unconsciously filtering OUT good men is: I have actually not been trusting Allah to come through for me with regard to marriage, and basically that made me take actions that avoided me putting myself out there and learning how to discern profiles and talk to men, and move past my icky feelings. I would also not bother to put myself out there because I really don’t know what I am doing. And would take long breaks in between matches, that I wouldn’t even break the ice and chat to… I would rather lean into the narrative that it’s okay to be alone, and design my life in a way that I am “okay with being alone” even though I’m not okay with it, and I would judge people for wanting to be in relationships. I had been working on repairing my relationship with Allah, in terms of ritual practices, but deep down, that distrust lingers. This week I am going to try approaching one interaction differently by: Asking for Allahs forgiveness, and reciting istighfar with this matter of distrust of Allah in my mind and heart (it feels like a heavy feeling in my chest and knots in my stomach). Also, going back on the modules on marriage Muslim lab. The non-negotiables again (I have been sitting with this since day 1s call, but I find myself struggling to come up clear non-negotiables, they feel kinda airy fairy) Also, having a session with my facilitator specifically about this matter of distrust. I am honestly not even sure that this is the step in the right direction. But it’s what came up for me when I sat with my notepad and pen.

"I have been waiting for myself to lose weight and to “fix” myself more I terms of being emotional and anxious, and get over my “getting the ick” even looking through profiles - to happen before I fully committed to finding my spouse. Starting today, I am no longer waiting for that. My move is - to sit with my non-negotiables again, for real, character-wise, and go through my tailored questions again, and swipe and sit with the ick”