Option #5 works best for me. I can probably also do option #4 if the call is an hour or less.

Oh looks like the options changed..or maybe I’m going crazy but from the times above Saturday at 4:30 works best for me.

Today I had to very interesting experiences with the prayer practice. When we started and were asked to imagine ourselves at a table waiting for Jesus. I usually just picture the room I'm in but this time I was waiting at a huge banquet table, the table was decorated and full of trays, dishes, candles (picture beauty and the beast). Admiring the table I look up to see Jesus, He has a big smile and a look of delight and opens his open to the table with a gesture of "this is for you" When thinking of a memory I remembered a Halloween event that our church put on, trunk or treat. The event was fun we passed out sodas to match our themed car. It was fun but as families went through some we're excited, but some had comments..they didn’t like type of soda, sodas had too much sugar for their kids, why would we pass out soda to children? why are the sodas not cold? It was odd and frustrating. "Where was Jesus in this memory?" I could see him with different people/families around the event. He is smiling and enjoying them. I start to wonder why is He with them? What are they doing? Where are they going? Then I asked, "what do you want me to know?". Then I saw Jesus and again He was there smiling with delight and his arms open and gesturing "this is for you". Then I'm standing next to him and I can see my whole family that was there at the event serving together. My 2 teenage kids with their school friends to passing out treats and all having fun. My other daughter with her group of friends with all matching costumes taking pictures and doing a dance routine together enjoying every minute. Again I ask “What do you need me to know?"..you don't need to understand all the details to know I am working. Then the phrase..the devil is in the details. Ugh. I get so fixated on the little things that lead me to question what is going on, what are people thinking and feeling and then I want figure out why, what’s wrong with them? What’s wrong with me? which causes me to miss the big picture and what God actually doing in my life.

Starting with Mark 4:35 “let us go across to the other side” was what quickly caught my attention, then again when we were to imagine where we were in this scene. I imagined that I was on that “other side”. I was watching Jesus from a far teaching and being with his disciples and the day he was coming to an end. Nervous excitement as to why he was coming over, did He see me? I watched as the disciples and Jesus loaded the boat. Then they set sail, the waves start crashing and I was worried for them. Why are they risking this journey? I see the disciples struggle, get frustrated and start to panic. Why are they doing this? they better not be coming over here for me. Why isn’t Jesus telling them why they are doing this? Why are they coming? Then more frantic energy comes from the boat and the waves and from me. If they come here for me they will all be disappointed, resentful, and angry with me. Then they wake Jesus and asked him does he even care? Jesus rebukes the waves and the wind. Jesus talks to the disciples but looks directly at me, “why are still afraid? Have you still no faith?” What are you afraid of? Initially I thought I’m afraid of being blamed, but I think it is attached to the fear of being rejected which will lead to a fear of being abandoned because I am not good enough.

Well this mornings practice was very challenging for me and right after I thought to myself well I’m not going to share that with the group but then quickly was reminded of yesterday’s question of “Am I willing”..so I wrote a post, BUT then when I pushed send the post disappeared so then I thought well it’s the Lords will, now I don’t have to share, BUT after taking some time (to settle down) I am back to share my experience. So when the exercise started with asking for a memory to come to mind I was going back and forth between two recent conversations. The conversations were with 2 different people about 2 different things with 2 different outcomes. But with both conversations I feel like I have been thinking and over thinking them since they each happen. I processed the situations with God, I was honest with how they made me feel. One left me feeling frustrated, misunderstood, what will happen next?, I don’t feel safe (emotionally). The other left me feeling hope, joy, but also uneasy and asking is this safe (also emotionally)? Then a couple of phrases came to mind..”seek my truth, seek my word, listen to me” Then the question of “Am I telling the truth?”..I nearly broke at that question. That is a very deep seed in me through most of my life. Being a highly emotional person, when I share how I feel or my experience, growing up (and still now) I am met with the response..”well what really happened?..what did they really say or do?” Therefore I over analyze things, question everything and look to others for validation to see what is true or not. I believe that what I think, say and experience is not real/true therefore I cannot be trusted. I think this also falls to my faith. Whenever I feel close to God, is this real? What is God really telling me? Do I really think God can connect with me and use me? If no one else sees or understands my experience can it be true? *God is the ultimate keeper of our truth* I need to find my truth in God and ask for grace and mercy when I have self doubt. Embrace not being understood by those who were not meant to understand it, God knows and is the truth and God understands me.

@Jessa Lemke Thanks for being curious:) I’m not totally sure what I was thinking or feeling but it seemed when I blew the clouds away it was like a feeling of being able to see things without looking through the veil/lens of shame, if that makes sense?