Hello! I’ve made it through day two! I’m trying to play catch up and I’m only a day behind here! But it’s ok. My masks have gone from people pleaser to rebel to INVISIBLE ONE.👻 Lately I’ve been hiding out at home, from the world. Lonely and bored.🪦 Feeling soooo stuck and low confidence. I’ve been trying to break free. Today I found gloves so that when I go through my laundry I don’t have to touch anything since I’m a mini germaphobe hahaha. 🧤🫧I don’t like the gross chores. Can’t wait to have a husband for that stuff lol! But I gotta be strong 💪🏼

The belief that's been holding me back most: "The result is always going to be the same, no matter how many times I try. Why bother?" Where it came from: Self-defense against disappointment, maybe? I avoid failure by not even trying. So all of my creative ideas stay locked up in my head, where they can remain perfect. But the cost of avoiding has become higher than any potential failure that could happen. My new code: The part of me that avoids showing up for myself is my brain trying to protect me. It keeps me in a place of pleasing others, which is easier and self-explanatory. Meeting my own needs has felt messy and selfish and unsafe. But I *am* safe. My needs matter. I matter. I can do the things I love simply because I love to do them. My Future Self statement: "I am the kind of person who feels joy from creating and sharing what I have created." Debugging in progress...

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸 𝗜'𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻 𝘄𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗺𝗼𝘀𝘁: The Perfectionist. Over-studied for the 98s to prove I wasn't stupid. Won't let anyone else do it because "no one does it as good as me." Waits for the perfect chunk of time that never comes. 𝗛𝗼𝘄 𝗲𝘅𝗵𝗮𝘂𝘀𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝗯𝗲𝗲𝗻: Looks like high standards. Is actually a cage. Doors still out of the Otago house three years on. 22 notebooks of brilliant ideas, never "done." Perfection didn't keep me safe. It kept me stuck. 𝗪𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜 𝗹𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝗸𝗶𝗱 (𝗯𝗲𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗺𝗮𝘀𝗸𝘀): Leading the street gang, building huts, showing my pointers for the ribbons, making things with my hands. Lost whole afternoons in flow, before anyone told me my dartboard mind was the wrong kind. 𝗙𝗹𝗼𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗿𝗼𝗯𝗲 𝗙𝗿𝗶𝗰𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗔𝘂𝗱𝗶𝘁 🧺 1. Pick ONE pile. Just the jeans, or just the tops. Not "the floor." 2. Two spots, sorted as you go: Clean (goes back) / Wash (goes in basket). 3. Pre-stage hangers on the bed tonight. Present-Debz sets the trap, Future-Debz just hangs. 4. Basket AT the pile. Zero steps to the machine. 5. Reward: cuppa + actual floorspace. 🎉 Not willpower, just staging. Set it up tonight, done in 10 min.

People Pleaser (and Invisible one) not knowing who I really am or what I want, externalizing first on what others think or expect so I can feel safe...if you're okay, I'm okay.

My insight is that my brain won't move until the outcome is guaranteed, staying in something unfinished is where I feel safe