First… what IS self-abandonment? Self-abandonment is what happens when we turn away from ourselves. When we ignore what we feel. When we silence what we know. When we override our truth to avoid discomfort, rejection, or conflict. It can look small. Saying “it’s fine” when it isn’t. Laughing when something hurts. Staying quiet when something matters. Trying to be who we think we need to be. What are the effects of self-abandonment? When we disconnect from ourselves, certain patterns appear. Low self-esteem. Emotional suffering. Difficult relationships. Addictions — to people, substances, or activities. We start seeking outside what we no longer give ourselves inside. We look for validation. We try to control. We blame. We overwork. We numb. After a while, we may collapse. Look around you. Can you see how often we are encouraged to ignore what we feel, override what we know, and disconnect from ourselves in order to belong, succeed, or survive? Most of us were taught to abandon ourselves… quietly, early, and repeatedly. Can you see it?

Today I experienced a guided practice of self connection with @Josée LaRoche, with the kind company of @Eric Ouellette and missing the presence of @Kosta Pagonas. I arrived overwhelmed, blocked and confused. I left sad but present, with a tender heart, with a deep clarity of the huge pain I was avoiding but that was preventing me from moving. Josée asked me: Do you want to learn more about what you are feeling? I said yes, but I was feeling my resistance. She gently asked me questions to help me see below the layers of "Fear is stoping me from doing what I need to do" and get to this very old feeling of "I feel so helpless". Those were words of a tiny child inside me. And instead of ignoring me, I could be present to myself. I didn't "solve" my issues there, but feeling the actual feeling I was experiencing felt so true. It allowed me to know where I was standing, and the very real next steps I could take. Very grateful to have this guide available in the community and to be able to learn to do it for myself!

I was talking to my neighbor yesterday, and she asked me: “How do I know if I’m the problem in my relationship… or if he is?” She was exhausted. Confused. She wanted clarity. A diagnosis. Someone to finally say: It’s you. Or: It’s him. I told her, “You probably won’t like my answer.” Then I said: Everything that hurts inside you is yours. That doesn’t mean his behavior is always acceptable. It doesn’t mean he isn’t defensive, blaming, distant, or manipulative. It doesn’t mean you’re imagining things. What I’m really saying is that the pain activated in you belongs to your nervous system, your history, your unmet needs, your self-abandonment. - When he withdraws, what happens inside you? - When he blames, what do you feel? - When he shuts down, do you collapse? Attack? Over-explain? Comply? That part is yours. Relationships are systems.Two nervous systems dancing with each other’s wounds. Trying to figure out “who has the problem” keeps you focused outward. Healing begins the moment you turn inward: - Where am I abandoning myself here? - What am I afraid to feel? - What am I tolerating that hurts me? - What would be loving toward myself right now? Here is the paradox: He may have real issues. And you still cannot solve them. But you can change your participation in the dynamic. When one person stops self-abandoning, the entire system shifts. Sometimes the relationship improves. Sometimes it falls apart. But either way, clarity comes. And you start healing the day you decide to take care of what is hurting you, instead of placing all your attention on the other person.

Tonight, I’m rewatching old episodes of How I Met Your Mother. (It’s something I do when I’m tired — I reread my favorite books, I rewatch familiar movies and series.) There’s an episode where Mitch (the Naked Man) asks the Mother what her dream is. When she tells him, he replies: “Then everything you do from now on should be in service of that.” I paused the episode. I needed to write that down. Too often my dream feels completely out of reach, because it feels so big. This was a good reminder. I know very well the cumulative effect of small steps, taken consistently. You don’t have to reach the dream today. You just have to keep walking. That’s what I want to remember.

Sometimes, I’m talking to myself without reason.