Often times, people who engage in perfectionistic type thinking and behaviors indicate that they have high standards, are aiming for excellence, and indicate that they are committed to growth. These seem like great things and they can be, but the undercurrent of what drives these statements matters. Clinically speaking, perfectionism is often less about excellence and more about fear. Fear related to failure, criticism, disappointing others, of not being enough... Perfectionism is often an attempt to manage uncertainty and protect ourselves from painful emotions. The problem is that the strategies we use to avoid those feelings can end up creating more stress, anxiety, and disconnection. Below are some common perfectionistic behaviors: 𝐎𝐯𝐞𝐫𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐧𝐬𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 Perfectionists often work harder than necessary to prevent mistakes or criticism. The underlying belief is often: "If I work hard enough, I can eliminate the possibility of failure." Unfortunately, no amount of effort can guarantee that. 𝐃𝐢𝐟𝐟𝐢𝐜𝐮𝐥𝐭𝐲 𝐃𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐠𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 Many perfectionists struggle to hand tasks over to others in fear that things won't be done "correctly". This can create burnout, resentment, and the feeling that everything depends on them. The hidden cost: carrying responsibilities that were never meant to be carried alone. 𝐒𝐞𝐞𝐤𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐑𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐫𝐚𝐧𝐜𝐞 "Do you think that was okay?" "Are you sure you're not upset with me?" "Can you check this one more time?" Seeking reassurance can temporarily reduce anxiety, but it often strengthens the belief that confidence must come from outside ourselves. (safety behavior that reduces anxiety in the short term but creates problems in the long term) 𝐄𝐱𝐜𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐎𝐫𝐠𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐳𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐏𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐧𝐢𝐧𝐠, 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐒𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝𝐮𝐥𝐢𝐧𝐠 Planning is super helpful, but perfectionism can turn planning into a way of avoiding uncertainty. Hours are spent creating the perfect schedule, researching every option, or organizing every detail before taking action. This type of planning can become a substitute for living. It can give the impression that progress is being made but no actual action is being taken.

I went to catch myself a sunrise yesterday morning. On my way to 'the spot', I noticed a soccer ball sitting alone in the field--there were no people in sight (likely because it was 5:30a.m., ha!). But looking at this ball got me thinking about how we lose things or how we can be 'left behind'. Made me think about how sometimes we fumble things or we are fumbled and through negligence, distraction or to being caught in the crossfire of someone else's stuff (or them being caught in the crossfire of our own stuff) we end up losing things. Sometimes we can recover them but sometimes not. And...Sometimes those things are more important than soccer balls. Funny enough, on my way back from this walk, there were four men that were gently kicking the ball around as they were walking... Perhaps they will also leave the ball behind for different reasons, but it was also a reminder of how being fumbled doesn't have to be the end of the story. --------- Most of us don't lose important relationships because we wake up one day and decide they don't matter. More often, they fade through distraction, neglect, competing priorities, stress, assumptions, or simply the busyness of life. Sometimes it's related to wounds that they/we haven't tended to and we/they end up as collateral damage in something that doesn't even have to do with us/them. We become consumed with our own struggles or focused on someone else's, and before we realize it, something valuable has been left behind. 𝐑𝐞𝐥𝐚𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐩𝐬 𝐚𝐬 𝐥𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐬𝐲𝐬𝐭𝐞𝐦𝐬. Like muscles, they strengthen through (healthy) use and weaken through disuse or misuse. There are things that keep relationships alive: healthy attention, responsiveness, shared experiences, shared values and visions, shared rhythm of life... Without those, emotional distance can emerge. It's not necessarily through malice (usually it's not), but through impermanence. 𝐈𝐦𝐩𝐞𝐫𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐞𝐧𝐜𝐞 𝐢𝐬 𝐚 𝐟𝐮𝐧𝐝𝐚𝐦𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐥 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐥𝐢𝐭𝐲 𝐨𝐟 𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞.People change (or, more likely, their focus is more likely to change). Circumstances change. Roles change. What felt effortless at one stage of life may require intention at another (think kids-when a couple could just effortlessly spend time together, now they have to be very intentional about that time).

*Feel free to skip the intro and go into the strategies at the bottom if you'd like!*** ----------------------------------------------- A few weeks ago, I felt like I hit a wall. (That sounds more extra than it is/was). I was looking around at all the things that I wanted to do and how it felt like I wasn't making any progress and also how it felt that forces outside of myself were impeding movement even when I had the energy/motivation/oomph to make things happen. I felt defeated and that is a feeling that I DO NOT experience often and I DID NOT like it one bit. I bounce back, I pivot, I change course, I remain optimistic-perhaps even delusionally so, ha! In short, I show up. I see opportunities for growth and improvement in most situations, so it's hard for me to stay down. I love this about myself so it felt extra challenging when it felt like I was stuck and when it felt like I wasn't myself. Strange feeling. I only remember feeling like this maybe 3 other times in my life. Thankfully, each time, there was a 'cause' or things that I can point to that needed tending to, so experience has taught me that this was solvable but I needed the reminder. (So super thankful for the conversations that I've had recently that helped me with recalibration. Beyond grateful). I also needed to recognize three things: 1) the values that were at play that contributed to me thinking that I had limited options , 2)the expectations and 3)the strategies to employ to get me back to feeling like movement was happening. Look at me being a human being. Who would have thought?! ha. I'm just kidding, I know I'm a human. Below I'm going to focus on some research backed strategies to help with reframing our mindset and keep the momentum alive even when things feel like they're not moving. :) -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. 1. 𝐈𝐝𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐢𝐟𝐲 "𝐓𝐡𝐞 𝐃𝐢𝐩" 𝐚𝐧𝐝 𝐭𝐡𝐞 "𝐌𝐞𝐬𝐬𝐲 𝐌𝐢𝐝𝐝𝐥𝐞" First, know that what you’re feeling is actually a normal part of any bold venture.

Growth has an interesting way of creating friction. Quite frankly, it can be a pain in the butt. But...it can be so incredibly rewarding too. The spaces, routines and sometimes even relationships that once felt comfortable can start to feel restrictive as we change. Sometimes we can think that the growth is actually kind of 'easy' and the hardest part of growth isn't the growing itself but rather it's watching the people around us struggle to adjust to who we're becoming/what we're choosing to spend our time doing. And depending on their reactions (OR our INTERPRETATIONS of their reactions), we can end up feeling threatened and can start feeling defensive. Fight/flight/freeze mode can be activated even though nothing bad is actually happening. Even though good things are happening...and even though good things can happen relationally through the changes. Not everyone will celebrate our growth but the people that truly want the best for us (and for themselves) will. It doesn't mean that they'll go along with us and it might mean that they'll challenge us, but ultimately, there would be support for our wellbeing. Sometimes change can challenge someone else's expectations, expose their own discomfort, or changes a dynamic they've grown accustomed to. It changes the unspoken agreements that exist in relationships. It can challenge the status quo and that can feel threatening but that's a normal part of change. We can't just assume that others will automatically jump on the bandwagon just because we say so. We can't expect that just because we think a change is important that others will think so too. Growth often requires a renegotiating of relationships to some extent. It doesn't mean abandoning them and it does mean giving some grace to others as they process what's happening and as they see how the change fits their lives. They're allowed to have their own feelings about the changes too. One of the better ways of going about this is learning to hold two truths at once (yay dialetics): staying committed to your own development while remaining compassionate toward those affected by it. This doesn't mean that you just give up the change or have others dictate the change, it just means that we consider others as we navigate it. If you're in a committed relationship this becomes a point that can't be skipped if you want the relationship to survive and thrive.

One of the traps of a modern technology filled life is mistaking attention for connection. Attention can be fairly easy to get but connection requires building and nurturing. Attention can look like texts, likes, compliments, flirtation, or constant validation. It creates the feeling of being noticed and feeling seen (but not necessarily ACTUALLY being seen). This can temporarily ease a sense of loneliness. Connection is different because at its foundation it provides emotional safety, consistency and vulnerability is met with care. If we look at attachment theory, it explains that humans are wired for secure emotional bonds, not just visibility or stimulation and research shows our nervous systems respond more to safety and emotional attunement than to the amount of attention we receive. (this makes sense as to why someone can have endless messages/followers/admirers and still feel a sense of loneliness) ***Attention activates the brain’s reward system. ***Connection helps regulate the nervous system. Research consistently backs the impact that intermittent reinforcement can have on a person--when attention or affection comes unpredictably, people often start chasing the emotional highs instead of genuine intimacy. It can become addicting and part of this is because there are no signals of consistent safety so we chase to soothe the discomfort. We become addicted to pursuing emotional intensity rather than emotional intimacy. This will never satisfy the hunger though, because attention cannot provide what healthy attachment can provide. We can see this in real time--people can be constantly connected online and yet emotionally disconnected in real life and it doesn't help that we kind of live in a culture that rewards visibility as opposed to vulnerability. Even vulnerability has become a visibility status so people can use the 'right words' but not actually connect because the other pieces necessary for connection are not there. ***Being noticed is not the same as being understood and being desired is not the same as being valued.***