Yes! I used to explain because I thought it would help the other person understand, but I realized it just gave them space to try to negotiate or persuade me otherwise.

I am the former. Everyone else in my house is the latter

I am committed to asking my husband this tonight, although I don't anticipate a great outcome. I suspect he will say he doesn't know or that nothing was good, but I will ask anyway. We have not been connected in a very long time. Sometimes I wonder if we ever were connected. A couple months ago he told me he did not like me talking to him, saying hello or greeting him, asking how he's doing or about his day, or asking him any kind of questions in general. He said he does not like to be in the same room as me and has to avoid / ignore me just to survive. OUCH! I backed off a lot because that's what he said he wanted. I did not say anything to him when one of us came home since he didn't like me to greet him. I didn't ask anything about his day since he told me he didn't like it. I tried to find things to do out of our house so I was not in the same room as him. I felt like I had to do these things because it's what he said he wanted, and I was very hurt and wanted to avoid further hurt by being around him... but since I stopped talking to him I feel even worse and even more distant. I know that seems obvious and shouldn't be a surprise, but I was trying to do what he said he wanted. It feels unloving to me to treat him this way. It is not how I want to treat anyone, especially my spouse. I don't know what to do when he says he wants me to act in ways that I think are unloving. It seems wrong to keep being nice to him if he says it upsets him, but I don't want to not be nice to him either.

I did this for years before I married my husband. My family (as a single mom with kids) had a no devices outside of common areas rule. No screens, phones, computers, TVs, video games, etc. except in kitchen, dining room, living room. We all had alarm clocks. We plugged our phones in the kitchen at night (and everyone turned their phones in an hour before bedtime). We had screen time limits (myself included) and lots of boundaries - no phones during family time, meals, celebrations, etc. It was great. My husband and stepkids are big on tech. There are computers, multiple video game systems (handheld and console), phones, tablets, TVS, in every room. The stepkids are teens and very attached to their devices, as is my husband. Our bedroom has 3 computers, (he has 2 desks with desktop computers, plus a laptop) and a table and a TV in front of the bed with 2 different video game systems hooked up to the TV, plus he has 2 handheld video game systems on his nightstand, and his phone of course. It is always the first thing he does in the morning and last thing he does at night. Same with my stepkids. It wasn't like this when we were dating. His kids got phones within the first couple months of our marriage and it changed a lot. Also when we were dating and not living together he wasn't watching TV, playing games, using his phone etc. when we were hanging out, he was super present and engaged! I always appreciated that about him, that we could spend hours together and he wouldn't even check his phone. It was a big deal to me. Once we got married and lived together it was very different. I've tried to sell him and the kids on the idea of using screens less but everyone refuses to consider another way. There is so much research about it and I've seen the benefits in my own life! They have talked about it at our church multiple times over the past few years too. I try to model it well myself but that seems to be the only thing I can do (aside from prayer).

@Robert Jackson I am sorry to hear that. I don’t think my husband wants to work on the marriage either. I am trying to focus on myself because that’s all I can control! if I wait for him to work on things before I am willing to work on things, we will almost certainly get divorced. I wish we both wanted to work together, but that’s just not where we’re at right now so I am trying to do what I can to be The best of me I can be, and hopefully that will have a carryover effect in my marriage, and even inspire him to want to work on himself also. Even if he does not come around, I will be better for it, so I think it’s the best thing I can do no matter what the outcome ends up being.

@Otis Pettaway agreed! My husband doesn’t go out, our plans get cancelled because he wants to stay home rather than doing anything, but I don’t want to sit at home all the time, especially because his hobbies are solo. So he can stay home and play video games or watch tv alone or whatever but that doesn’t mean I have to! I take his kids out or I spend time with my friends, other family, church activities and community events. I am still working on not being resentful or disappointed when he cancels plans (or isn’t willing to make plans in the first place). I want to let go of things I can’t control and I can’t control his choices. It’s hard not to expect us to spend time together since we are married but I’m trying to relinquish all expectations because it just leaves me upset when they aren’t met. I am trying to find the balance between not getting upset and instead trying to take charge of my own happiness (I don’t have to stay home doing things alone just because he wants to) but not having negative expectations and avoiding him out of retaliation. I’m not sure how to stay open to the possibility that he might want to do something but also not expect it. Right now I’m leaning towards avoiding him and filling my schedule to avoid the pain of being let down. This keeps me a little more emotionally safe but also feels even more distant and disconnected 🫤