You pay bills together. You coordinate kid drop-offs. You watch Netflix. But you no longer know each other. This is the Roommate Phase. It is functional, but it is dangerous. We went through this phase in our early marriage, which facilitated our almost divorce over 20 years ago. Our parenting went into a sort of "divide and conquer" mindset. It was a slow progression, and we didn't even see it until it was too late and extreme disconnect and unhealthy habits were in place. Disrupt the routine today. Ask a question that has nothing to do with logistics. "What can I do this week to help you feel supported?"

My wife and I attended our first therapy session since she’s decided to on going. I went with the intent of understanding and resolving her resentment towards me. My wife admitted that she was there because I had asked her but that she was not looking for anything. She looked me in the eye and told me that she was “not there anymore”, not in a place to fix or work on our marriage. She stated that she took it for 20 years, she told me that she’s mad at me for going to therapy and for changing. She’s asked me for so long to go, she’s wanting to turn our couples counseling into discernment counseling as she stated she wants to learn how to communicate and get on the same page, coexist, and have a “friendship”. Today was not a good day at all!

I may have overplayed my hand a bit today. Text my wife letting her know that I’m thinking of her even when I’m quiet. She replied “I know exactly what you’re going through”. I should’ve stopped there but my dumbass sent another text telling her that I didn’t realize how much space in my heart she took up until now. Her response “unfortunately the realization comes when it’s too late”. I then asked is it too late? My wife reacted to my question first with the 🙂‍↕️ emoji. She then replied “yes, I want to get to a place where I don’t resent you”. I feel empty, I thought I could fix it.

We give kids time-outs, but adults need them more. When you are flooded (heart racing, hands shaking, triggered), your IQ figuratively drops. You become less reasonable in that moment! The Protocol: 1. Call it: "I need a time-out." 2. Time it: "I will be back in 20 minutes." (Crucial step! Don't just storm off). 3. Do it: Go self-regulate. Breathe. Pray. 4. Return: Come back when the brain is back online. This isn't punishment; it's a pause to reset.

I gotta say, the hot/cold treatment is starting to get under my skin a lot.