One of the most radical ideas I came across in Ending Unnecessary Suffering was in the section on loneliness. Ralston says one ideation is that we live in an existentially isolated inner world, which leads to a sense of disconnect and therefore we need others to complete the experience. I do see a possibility of feeling that your isolated inner world is complete as it is, so that you don’t need another to view it to feel as such. However, the idea that the private inner world itself is a concept is so radical to me. I don’t know how to wrap my mind around it. It is incredibly obvious to me that I have thoughts, beliefs, self-judgements, etc. that are simply not observable by other people. Only I can witness them unless I share them. Does anyone have any insight into investigating this?

Most of the trouble and suffering I've experienced around the desire to know the truth, the desire for enlightenment, has come from following the same paths I knew to satisfy other desires (shelter, food, relationships, power, knowledge), which all involved doing, learning, disciplining myself into some form of activity or control. Desire automatically assumes a future that's other, different than now. The exercises from two Sundays ago included anchoring focus in "what is" and that brought to light this continuous mistake, assuming I have to and can do something to find the source of everything. Maybe the best I can do is notice what I do to keep myself from it. Which is a lot, a lot. As we keep being reminded, we already are what we seek at all times. And as far as I can tell, direct experiences or insights are neither concerned with me doing, nor not doing. They remain mysterious to me even after they occur. So I keep reminding myself that wanting to know more, or deeper, brings me instantly into the future, into desire again and I'm wondering if I can learn to live a question and stay open and not fall into suffering or exhilaration as I do in most dyads and inquiries? And as I ask that, here I am falling into the doing something again. Also, I keep thinking I need to shut up the incessant internal reporter that has no quit; I am constantly telling the story of what I'm experiencing, I am continuously telling the story of this self and making it real. In a very brief insight today, as the insane chattering continued, I experienced how the never ending awareness that carried me, the reporter, the world unfurling around me, the present, and all thoughts of past and future, is an unknowable and empty nothing that remains untouched and unmoved by any of it, and I just write a continuously vanishing story in sand at the edge of the waves. Nothing wrong with the mind, with its awesome powers, it is truly holy, but the entire focus of my life being in service of building a better self is a misdirection. I am whole. In the past, I knew that and I tried to stay "there" like it was a thing or a place. Now I'm seeing the wizard behind the curtain, and I get a sense it is exhausted. With any luck.

On and off for the past 35 years, Cheng Hsin has been my clean, well-lighted space for inquiry. That was my neighborhood bookstore, where I found distraction and answers, "A Clean Well-Lighted Place for Books." The name is borrowed from Hemingway’s short story about two waiters at a café where the older one reflects on the constant need for comfort in the face of existential nothingness. I have been lucky enough to find myself questioning the truth of this loneliness and existential dread, and to muster some rare courage at times to look into it. With even more luck, I found Cheng Hsin, never a place where I would be rescued, or asked to strive to become special enough or worthy of being given all the answers. Answers are never given. Skillful questions are. It is challenging, I come from a culture of faith and beliefs, and being graded on how right I am. It is lucky that brokenness brought me in, like a frantic cat searching for a catnip ball under the refrigerator. I was given the possibility to stop searching for the answer out there. Workshops are an immense gift; they provide tools and structure for anyone to settle in with trust that all that is needed already exists: focused attention, contemplation, honesty and openness. There is nothing else in my life that skillfully supports consciousness work without demanding rituals, or selling techniques and systems. As a result, assumptions and fantasies that feed my need for comfort seem to be the casualties. I worried what the work would do to me, how much it would disrupt my life. The challenges are real. So are the benefits. I always come as I am, and I always leave with some more transparency and freedom in this "me." And I see the same, time after time, in those who have the luck to find this place while following their own evasive catnip balls.

Special thanks to @Ethan Martin for joining the call yesterday. In case you missed it here's the recording. See you in the next one!

I'd like to start doing partner contemplation weekly to get the ball rolling. I consider myself a beginner in this work. I've done one ENB workshop a couple years ago. I'm working on the question "who am I" and would like to have a listening partner to help me focus. I live in the U.S. and am can be flexible with weekday schedule on top of weekend availability. Thanks!