The third foundational pillar in my work is Pleasure Skills. Most people don’t struggle with pleasure because they’re broken or disconnected. They struggle because they spend so much time in their heads that it’s hard to stay present in their bodies. One of the keys to pleasure is confidence . And confidence is built through competence. Competence grows through experience. With touch, that means touching and being touched enough to learn what you’re feeling. Paying attention to sensation. Noticing what feels good, what feels neutral, and what doesn’t. Letting yourself be a little awkward. Trying things that don’t land. Staying curious instead of judging yourself. Over time, your hands learn.Your body learns.Your confidence grows because you’re familiar, not because you’re perfect. That’s how competence is built through repetition, attention, and willingness and that’s what makes pleasure feel easier and more natural. Instead of thinking of pleasure skills as things you have to master, think of them as gifts. Gifts you give your partner. Gifts you give the relationship. Gifts you often enjoy giving. When pleasure skills are experienced this way, they stop feeling like work or pressure and start feeling like expression. Something you offer because it feels good to offer it. They’re not about tricks or techniques.They’re about attention, pacing, curiosity, and presence. Your mission, should you choose to take it Make a short list of three gifts you have to give. These aren’t achievements or credentials.They’re the qualities and capacities you bring into connection. Things like your presence, your warmth, your steadiness, your curiosity, your humor, your attentiveness, your touch, your care. Let yourself name them without minimizing. Once you’ve made your list, choose one gift you want to work with more intentionally. If you tend to overthink or be hard on yourself, notice that this isn’t about fixing anything. You’re not choosing a gift because it’s lacking. You’re choosing it because it’s already there and you want to give it more space.

If empowerment is learning to hear yourself, communication is learning how what’s inside you comes out and how it lands. Communication isn’t just what you say. It’s how you ask, how you respond, and how you negotiate together to find what works for all of you. When communication is off, we often hurt the people we care about most. One common way this happens is when we’re communicating with charge. Emotions like fear, anger, hurt, or urgency are driving the moment, so words come out sharper, faster, or heavier than we intend. Before we focus on what to say, we start by learning how to work with that charge. This is one of the most important skills to learn. It’s about slowing yourself just enough to feel what’s underneath a reaction before it comes out sideways. There’s often an awkward learning curve here. Things can feel clumsy at first. That’s normal. You’re not doing it wrong. You’re practicing. The best time to plan or practice is when there is no charge. Your mission, should you choose to take it Make a short list or grab a post-it and write down a few things that help you take the charge off. Journaling Moving your body Going for a walk Talking to someone safe Taking a shower Napping Whatever actually works for you. Then, the next time you feel charged, practice doing one of those things before you say or send anything. Tomorrow we are going to talk about pleasure skills (it may not be what you think so stay tuned)

One of the central ideas in my work is this: Relationships aren’t something you figure out once.They’re something you practice over time. Most of us were taught to treat love and sex like talent.If it’s right, it should be easy.If it’s hard, something must be wrong. That story creates a lot of unnecessary shame. What I see again and again is that relationships move through seasons. There are seasons of closeness and seasons of distance.Seasons of desire and seasons of exhaustion.Seasons where connection feels effortless — and seasons where what used to work simply doesn’t. Nothing has gone wrong.The season has changed. Each season asks for different skills. I see this clearly in my own relationship.I’ve been going to Pilates three times a week with my partner for the past two years, and today I can move my body and feel sensations I simply didn’t have the context for when I started. It didn’t just change my body. It shifted my relationship to my partner. We became a team — holding each other up, holding each other accountable, and sharing each other’s company without distraction. Not because we figured it out.Because we practiced, consistently, over time. Relationships work the same way. The tools that help you fall in love aren’t the same ones that help you stay connected through stress, parenting, illness, aging, grief, or growth. This work is organized around three core pillars.Not as rules or stages, but as practices you return to — again and again — as your relationship and your life evolve. These pillars will show up here as levels you move through. You don’t pass them. You revisit them when the season shifts. Small step:What season does my relationship feel like it’s in right now? No fixing. No pressure.Just noticing. Tomorrow, we begin with Level 1 — Empowerment.

I’m really excited to share this with you. I’m teaching at the Power of Pleasure Summit, happening February 11–12. I’ll be live on Wednesday, February 11 at 1:45 pm. It’s the kind of conversation I actually want to be in. The focus is on real relationships, real bodies, and what actually keeps pleasure and connection alive over time. Many of the other teachers are friends and colleagues I’ve been in conversation with for years. A number of them have been on my podcast, and I know their work and their integrity. It feels less like a lineup of experts and more like being in a room with people I genuinely trust to have real, nuanced conversations. My session is called More Turn-On, Less Tension: A Smarter Way for Couples to Rekindle Desire. I’ll share how I work with relationship as a practice and offer one simple thing you can try that helps ease tension and bring things back toward warmth and curiosity. I usually try to show up live when I can. I really like the feel of all of us being on Zoom together. It lands differently when we’re learning in real time. I also get the VIP package so I can come back to the sessions later and let things soak in, often while I’m doing dishes or clearing space. If you’re in that in-between place where nothing is wrong, but things don’t feel as alive as you want them to, this summit is for you. And it’s just as useful if you’re single and wanting to understand your patterns before carrying them forward. Here’s the link to register:https://www.sexreimagined.com/a/2148204064/BDGmZtFa And whether you join the summit or not, I’d love to hear what you’re most wanting support with right now.

Foundation: Empowerment This is a Level One mission.There’s nothing to get right here. We’re starting by noticing. My work is built on three foundational pillars.They shape how I understand relationships and how I work with my clients. They aren’t rules or techniques.They’re lenses you return to again and again as your relationship moves through different seasons. The pillars are: Empowerment Communication Pleasure Skills Empowerment helps you hear yourself. Communication helps you share what you hear. Pleasure skills help you stay present with what unfolds between you. We begin with empowerment. Empowerment In the most basic sense, empowerment is about having the ability and confidence to make choices in your own life. In my work, that starts on the inside. Empowerment is taking your inner experience seriously. It’s trusting that what you feel, want, and respond to is real information — even before you know what to do with it. It doesn’t mean acting on every desire. It doesn’t mean being loud, certain, or decisive. It means listening to yourself before you speak, decide, or agree. When empowerment is present, communication gets clearer and connection feels more alive.When it’s missing, people tend to over-give, go quiet, or lose touch with desire altogether. This is where healthy relating begins. Desire usually doesn’t arrive as clarity. It shows up as sensation, hesitation, curiosity, or a quiet internal yes or no. Here, we slow down enough to notice. Your mission, should you choose to take it Pause. Feel your feet on the ground. Take one slow breath. Ask yourself a simple yes/no question. Do I want coffee? Is my name Joe? Then notice in your body: Where do I feel a yes Where do I feel a no Where do I feel a let’s try it You’re not deciding anything. You’re just listening. That’s the practice. Tomorrow we’ll move into Communication, where what you notice inside yourself starts to become shareable.