Before For most of my life, I lived in what I called “darkness.” I was in a constant state of regret, shame, guilt, sorrow, and unworthiness, everything just felt heavy. I always felt like something was wrong with me. It came from different situations in my life. I grew up in a time, an environment, and in a family where being gay was seen as wrong, not accepted and that was exactly what I was. That and other things made me feel like there was something wrong with me. Part of me was ashamed of myself, and that made me hide the real me. I never spoke about my problems or thoughts I kept it all inside and suppressed it all. I went through a lot of heartbreaks, and to protect myself, I built a version of me that couldn’t be hurt or feel weak. I started hanging out all the time — drugs, weed, alcohol, trips to Amsterdam, parties I ended up in relationships where the same pattern repeated over and over again. I hurt them, watched them fall apart, watched their love turn to hate, and then leave me for someone else. I felt like a bad person, unholy, like I didn’t deserve love. So much guilt. I truly believed that all the pain I felt was what I deserved. I was trapped. Something inside me whispered that I was meant for more. I couldn’t accept a normal life — being controlled, working a job I did not like, giving away my time. I always dreamed of freedom. For me, freedom had a name: money. Since I was a kid, I said I wanted to be a millionaire. Money became the symbol of everything I thought I lacked — love, safety, peace. Crisis The breaking point came after my last relationship. She was so good to me, so pure and I saw her hurting because of me. It reached a point where, after an argument, she tried to end her life and told me that I would have to live with it. I felt disgusting. When she finally left me and I lost what I thought was the love of my life, I realized I didn’t want to live like that anymore. I didn’t want to be the reason for someone’s pain. I wanted to be a good person. I was tired of living in guilt and regret. I decided to change.