- Purpose as Direction, not pressure - Removing blocks to Desire and Drive - Purpose embodiment This week felt like a rollercoaster I was coming off a pretty disregunlated Bank holiday Monday, and trying to reset my drive after a really well regulated weekend. I understood the Action of choosing purpose, but as the week progressed that decision got tougher as I tried to find my value systems and regulation. By the end of the week I had done it, I used the framework from the second lesson to speak to a lot of parts that were really deep rooted, some parts like Fixer and Manager. Parts that I now feel more able to catch in the moment than ever before. From today I've just clicked my value systems and how I want to carry myself across all my trailhead (financial, social, career, relationship). I've never felt more driven for change without the need for motivation in my life. I'm holding emotions that I find difficult and I'm setting boundaries. I've even opened up to family members about my relationship. I gave up protecting my image of perfection in my parents eyes for a moment of genuine connection. I don't know what the next lessons are but I'll be back on the calls next week and I hope to continue this journey no matter what.

I feel so much anger and frustration, that I don’t even want to check on my parts… A little context: Together with my wife we went on a business trip + short holiday to The Netherlands. I had two and a half days scheduled for meetings, and it went way better than expected. The supplier I was visiting planned some great things for us (sightseeing, fun activities, fancy dinner etc) and business wise I received much more than I could have asked for (without negotiating). It was such a great feeling, I am looking ahead on great business opportunities and it gave me a good boost. We have been tackling a strange flu for some while, so we have not been feeling in the best shape. But we had two more days just for ourselves. I had lots of ideas and things to do, a part of those I have shared with her. On our the first day she just stayed in the room, while I went for a long walk and bought her some medicine and vitamins, took her to lunch. And I had dinner with a friend (she was supposed to join but skipped it). I wanted to initiate sex for multiple times during our trip but kept being patient and understanding. She had lots of moments where she was filling quite good. And I felt her close, loving and proud of me. One the last day we went for a nice brunch and walked to a local market, eventually ending in her favorite clothes shop… Even when I showed that I am fucking bored and annoyed she went on and on… we stayed there for 3hours! I was tired and pissed… she suddenly had energy and interest in shopping, but otherwise didn’t want to do any activities at all. We got back to the hotel and I went to the gym. When I got back she was in her pijamas and watching a online class for her business. I had expected her to relax and clear her mind, so we could finally be intimate durring that day/night. I did not say that loud, but I was pissed from the fact that she did not even consider my needs or preferences, while I was there for her. After this the repeting pattern of “her getting mad because I am pissed off for whatever reason” kicked in…

I'm struggling with the part of me that needs approval. This part tells me I'm not growing when I don't keep my value systems in place. If I'm honest I'm struggling to define I'm value systems outside of work and inside of work. I feel like this change has took a lot from me and this part questions whether is all worth it. I recognise that the boy is just taking over because that's all he has learned and why would he trust me to lead in those scenarios. When I spoke to him I showed him how far we have come but he still doesn't trust me yet there are part of me that doesn't want to give up on my relationship but doesn't want to return until I'm ready. I'm trying to stay grounded through thick and thin because I know that's where the growth is but this journey is fucking hard sometimes. I'd like the Men in the group to help keep me accountable to my routine. I have everything I need to stay grounded all the time. I just need to do it. I would appreciate a few check-ins is anyone is available just to make sure even when I'm tired, or hurt or lonely now that I choose my direction first nothing else.

So I am in a situation and not sure what to do. My son's birthday is next week and we plan on celebrating it with family and friends. My family is always a hit or miss at showing up and right now financially and emotionally (in terms of stress in planning a birthday) it might be easier if they didn't come and we went to my moms house to celebrate over there seperately with them, but I already invited them. To make matters worse I called one of my nieces to ask if they were coming and pretty much told her (in a joking/serious manner) that I was trying to get them to opt out of coming so that it wouldnt be as expensive and she proceeded to tell my other family since they are currently cutting my nephew a cake for his birthday today (to be clear my nephews and nieces are adults). I felt so stupid and embarassed and now I am not sure what to do, if I should talk to them and explain and almost recind the invitation and deal with whatever feelings they may have after or show face and tell them to come anyway. Either way not feeling great

Lately I have been feeling self-conscious. I went away on vacation during my sons Spring Break. I gained about 15 pounds since last summer and I am trying to get back into the groove of things on my fitness. All this to say I weighed myself Sunday and I was 4 pounds heavier (seemed to be water weight as I am back down now). This has led me to feel very low about myself and on top of that I have been getting more agitated with my wife. To make matters even worse I finally went to do my taxes and told my wife we might owe money, but I wasnt sure how much. I shared this while she is in the middle of planning my sons birthday party next week. Long story short I have been feeling pretty alone in my marriage. I told my wife yesterday afternoon (prior to the call) that I felt like I had to carry the weight by myself and as if we were not a team and I really felt like I had nothing left in my tank to give. She stopped and said she never wanted me to feel like we werent on the same team and she took initiative and held space for me. I didn't feel like I deserved it because a part of me that tells me I am irresponsible kept coming up, but her being there and holding space for me really brought me back into the moment and helped me re-center myself. I cried because she let me know it was ok to feel what I was feeling. She was not judging me she just wanted me to let her into that space and when I did I felt so much relief.