To follow up!! Alhumdulillah my parents met him yesterday. mA he was a gentleman, he presented himself so well and he was just genuinely himself. My mom thought he was wonderful and my dad also admitted he seems like a good human and a good man, but then his final thought was just “but we’ll see what happens and the concerns I have are still there”. The concerns he has have to do with my previous marriage and nothing to do with this particular man. And there doesn’t seem to be anything anyone can do to alleviate these concerns. He’s so pessimistic and also still indirectly blaming me for the failure of my first marriage, even after seeing the toxicity clearly from my ex, and it’s really hurtful. I love my father and respect him very much but it feels like all he sees when he looks at me are character flaws. He also keeps saying that I need to essentially hide any sign of a relationship and put off making any decision until after our custody modification case is resolved (I got a job in an adjacent state and have to move) and even though I’ve pretty much managed all my legal stuff myself and my ex is the kind that will just continue creating problems whenever he can, my dad thinks I know absolutely nothing and is insistent that this will negatively affect my case - which it won’t. I told him I was not going to make life decisions based on my ex and what he may or may not do, and my dad just completely disregarded that. I’m having a really hard time dealing with this pessimistic, apocalyptic viewpoint. I had to ask him at one point, “where is your tawakkul?“ because I have faith everything will work out for the best, and through all these tough times, Alhumdulillah I’ve been blessed. But there was nothing I could do or say to get him out of that negative mindset. Not before meeting the guy or after. I’m just at a loss at how to proceed because my dad isn’t going to agree to take any steps forward any time soon and that doesn’t seem right to me.

@Habibatul Aulia that’s what I said and he did meet him. He said he didn’t see any issues with the man himself and thought he was a good human. But none of that matters when it comes to his concerns

The part of my story I've been hiding or apologizing for is: my baggage from my previous marriage. The way I could start owning it as a strength is: acknowledge and appreciate how much it has helped me grow and continues to do so, and be grateful for the qualities I’ve developed through that that will inshallah make me a good wife for my future husband.

Salam sis! So the podcast episode shared above was really helpful for me. I have kids from a previous marriage so everyone in my community assumed I’m married and not everyone who knows me knows I’m divorced. So if I were to try to find someone in my community or something, it would feel really awkward because I’d have to be really blatant that I’m looking for a spouse. And I wasn’t ready to do that yet. I tried the apps, hated them. But I also know people who have found their spouse on Muzz and have a wonderful marriage. So I just kind of left that option open but I wasn’t invested. After watching that episode, it made so much sense to “get them off the app”. And oddly enough, the first time I talked to someone after Ramadan, I implemented this - fully thinking the guy is gonna be like uh no that’s moving too fast, and immediately unmatch. And he didn’t. He was actually totally on board for talking to my wali even after the first phone conversation. That immediately just shifted the mentality of our interactions. It wasn’t casual, it wasn’t passing time, it was very intentional on both sides. I’m trying to remain intentional and we’ve made plans for him to meet my brother but I am like totally lost on how to approach my dad or my brother about this because 1- I didn’t expect this to happen right now and 2- my first marriage situation was with a close family friend so it wasn’t something I had to even be involved in and we were very young. My dad n my brother have very different personalities and mindsets than me, even religiosity differs between us, so I’m trying to figure out how to be intentional about their involvement and what exactly I’m supposed to be looking for from them in this whole situation. Sorry that deviated from your actual comment about the apps, but just wanted to share my experience of implementing MM’s advice on it. And if anyone has advice for moving forward, that’d be great too 😅

I have been waiting for things to settle down and life to be stable before I fully committed to finding my spouse. Starting today, I am no longer waiting for that. My move is to stay firm on my principles and boundaries, involve my family early, and not hide the fact that I am looking for a spouse now.

🙋🏾‍♀️