Hey Community, *Warning, I made this post prior to watching episode 3 & 4 of the Reckoning. Episodes 3 & 4 contains extremely strong sexual content, sexual violence and discussion of physical assault and is not necessary to complete the exercise in this post. I wanted to tap in before the weekend - I’m excited as this post is officially kicking off our very first deep-dive Case Study together and understanding principle 1 of my coaching program, "all behavior has a purpose" Here is a reminder. Two individuals become one couple. On this side requires selfishness, in a sense to dive-in, ask question, and ask for what else you need. There is too much on the line to stand on the side lines. My hopes and dreams is to help you along this journey. Like the Grinch, he did not know what he needed. A good coach helps the members of his team figure out what you need to identify and tackle to defeat the enemy, what I call the "troubled dance of connection" in your intimate relationship. That is the sole purpose of this community. As your coach, I will be exposing this community to strategies I have successfully used a dozens of times to help my guys take back and reclaim how they wanted to show up in their relationship. Diddy is The Canvas Now, let’s get real for a second. I know when you saw Diddy's name you probably felt that uncomfortable energy in your body. Please stick with me, I am going somewhere. Here is the thing, yes we are using Diddy—however, if you are going to benefit from this Case Study, I need you to put your personal feelings aside or you are going to miss the perspective. Caveat: When discussing the behaviors tied to the troubled dance or cycle of some of these men, I am in no way excusing, justifying, or attempting to explain away any behavior; it’s about learning attempting to unpack the origin of their troubled dance or cycle. As I take you into this documentary “The Reckoning” episodes1 & 2. (rated MA—contains strong sexual assault, violence, explicit language, so take care if these themes are triggering), we’re simply observing and adding language to how a public figure’s patterns can teach you about the dynamics of his“troubled dance," its impact on intimate partners, meaningful others and criminal behavior.

What’s Up Community — October is Domestic Violence (DV) Month. I believe some topics are important enough, they should be addressed in some form all year long. Not just when a crisis have a couple on the 6 'clock news. This is why I am tapping in today to give you language around one of the most under reported crimes in the U.S. - Domestic Violence. I’m coming in hot because certain topic matters more than others. When any of us, myself included, begin our troubled dance or cycle of disconnection, if we don't use our tools, we can walk a fine line of engaging in abusive behaviors if we don't know what they are and as this community grows, many may not. My role as the coach in this community is to be a language teacher. This post, language to understand what engaging in abusive behavior connected to the troubled dance or cycle of disconnection. Boys were not taught to define Domestic Violence other than the physical abuse. If guys don't know what it is, how do you know if you are a perpretator of DV or not. Well, as your coach I am bout to help you out. Here is the new language. Both men and women interpret DV to mean just hitting. Nah, here is the take away for the community, DV is way bigger than that. As you see down below, there are eight different abusive dynamics, and most men or their partner were never exposed to any of them other than hitting. Here is the thing: In my opinion, there are so many disturbing statistics tied to DV, the education piece is lacking. DV has the potential to touch so many homes. We only hear about DV issues when something tragic happens to a couple and it makes the 6pm news. , DV cannot only highlighted in October (DV month). DV is said to be the most underreported crime in the United States. Some experts say 1 in 4 women have been physically abused. And it takes up to seven times for a woman to finally leave a domestic violence relationship. For my guys, after reading this post, today, I hope it has helped this community

What's the "troubled dance or cycle of disconnection" I took this concept from the late researcher and couples therapist Sue Johnson. Imagine you and your partner start dancing, somebody or both of you get off beat, steps on each other's feet, and then step on each other’s feet again. While on the dance floor, you two engage in what is called “intense fellowship.” Here is the thing, this is where the performance anxiety kicks in. It’s the same system that impacts the elite athlete who falls apart at crunch time. Or imagine someone who fears public speaking, when its to give a speech, they are overwhelmed by a feeling in their brain and body. That is the “troubled dance or cycle” of disconnection. This "dance," this mis-attempt to handle intense fellowship, starts as a storm, continues to gain energy and become a tropical storm, continues over warm water, spins harder and faster, until one of you or both of you walk off the figurative dance floor, not knowing how to repair or get back on the dance floor. In reality, based on how you are wired, for example, with the help of a tool such as the Flight Assessment 2.0 or how we learned how you learned to handle conflict when you're emotionally overwhelmed, you get stuck in a pattern of disrespect and miscommunication. If I was a betting person, it involves a pattern of pursuing and distancing. The issue is, neither you or your dance partner can ask for what you need in a way the other person can hear it. For you, this means seeing you dance partner pull away, your brain sets off your threat response aka the flight and fight response. As a practicing therapist, one of the modalities I studied was Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy. In an interview with GQ He writes, when guys come to see him, he tells them “it’s not their fault. Everything you learned as a boy about what makes a good man will ensure by today’s standards, you’ll be a lousy husband (boyfriend). ” It’s really difficult to be a good dance partner and be invulnerable at the same time.

The “Stink.” “Stank, “Stunk,” behaviors & our "troubled dance……..” The Law of Identity Part I What’s up community, As I was preparing to create a blog covering the power of identity for my men’s 30+ coaching site at bsaq1.com, I wanted to tap into the Law of Identity and its impact on “Why the Grinch, Grinch’s” LOL, I have never been a deep thinker and always struggled in philosophy class. However, I think I get the Law of Identity. The Law of Identity shares A=A, a house is a house, logically “each thing is identical with itself.” The Grinch is the Grinch. “Stink,” “Stank,” “Stunk” behavior is the Grinch’s identity, Got It! Simply, the LOI, allows us to glean that “...... whatever we are talking about is exactly what it is and nothing else.” Cindy Lou was the Grinch’s guide and helped him figuratively change his dance moves of his troubled dance. The Grinch figured out, “it was not being alone that he hated, it was being alone.” Like the Grinch, I tell everyone we all need a Cindy Lou. In this community, The Law of Identity clarifies my role as a men’s communication specialist. In Pillar I of my program, the boundaries are clearly defined. The initial step is assessing the cycle/troubled dance of disconnection. To take it a step further, identify the origin of “Stink,”Stank,” “Stunk,” and reframe these behaviors as a self-protection stance. As you will learn, the Grinch was not broken, he was protecting himself. Principle I in my program focuses, on day one, my guys have everything they need to be successful. Only thing that happened for the Grinch was he connected with Cindy Lou, he eventually trusted her, and she put him in position to change. She did not give him anything tangible, he figured it out himself through connection. The Law Of Identity - Why Does This Preciseness Matter? Beginning in childhood, the Grinch learned some behaviors to help him survive in his environment. Unfortunately, as an adult, he is still leaning on those unconscious behaviors. Functioning on autopilot, those "Stink," "Stank," "Stunk," behaviors keep others away.

Like The Grinch, most of us were not taught how to resolve conflict. We act like the Grinch. The Grinch realized it wasn’t Christmas that triggered his cycle or dance of disconnection. “It was being alone” Hang out here & find out how to identify & stop your “troubled dance or cycle of disconnection” that pushes others away like the Grinch. *if you want to set up a 15min call to discuss working. 1-1 shoot me an email inside the community. Kris