Matt D'Avella @mattdavella • 4.04M subscribers (YT) • 467 videos

He wrote & it's too raw and interesting not to share:

Hey—

32-hours of travel and 14 re-watches of Moana later, and we finally made it back to Sydney— another harrowing trip across the world to visit my family in the books.

Keeping two kids and two adults contained in three tiny airplane seats took a heroic effort. Let's just say I got side-eyed by a lot of passengers for my decision to let our toddler crawl barefoot back-and-forth to the bathroom.

As amazing as it was to spend time with family, it feels good to be back home.

But I’ve been having a problem ever since.

It's a problem I've faced off and on as a creator ever since I started, especially after taking a break.

𝗜𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝗶𝗺𝗽𝗼𝘀𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝘁𝗼 𝗴𝗲𝘁 𝘀𝘁𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗴𝗮𝗶𝗻.

On a scale of self-doubt to self-confidence, I'm somewhere beyond self-doubt and deep into self-destruction.

My recent texts to Nat pretty much sum it up:

"𝗕𝗹𝗮𝗵, 𝗜'𝗺 𝗶𝗻 𝘀𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗮 𝗿𝘂𝘁. 𝗜 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗜'𝗺 𝘀𝘁𝘂𝗰𝗸 𝗶𝗻 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝗰𝗸𝘀𝗮𝗻𝗱. 𝗟𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗜 𝘄𝗮𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗺𝗼𝘃𝗲, 𝗯𝘂𝘁 𝗜 𝗰𝗮𝗻'𝘁."

I went on to dump all my feelings on her.

It feels like I've put out nothing in months. No social content, no podcasts, very few YouTube videos. And I'm uninspired by the current video I'm working on, which is now three days past deadline. The worst part: it doesn't even feel like it matches the direction I want to take the channel, so finishing the last few hours of editing feels like torture.

But that’s just the starter.

The main course is about to be served: the spiral.

It starts with frustration. Then a few others join the party: anxiety, envy, self-pity...

And regret.

I've been thinking about the past decade since starting my YouTube channel and all the things I wish I'd done differently.

There were so many opportunities I missed and decisions I should (or shouldn’t) have made. I should have focused more on making better videos. I shouldn't have hired so many people.

Back then I was one of YouTube’s “Creators on the Rise” (I’ve got a screenshot on an old hard drive to prove it). Now it feels like I’m just a washed-up creator, repeating the same old lines into a different camera.

Sitting back in my office in Sydney, I'm looking at everything I've built and wondering:

Is this it?

Is this what I've been working so hard on for the past ten years?

I can't remember the last time I felt this uninspired.

𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗷𝘂𝘀𝘁 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝘀 𝘀𝗼… 𝗮𝘀𝗱𝗳𝘀𝗱𝗳𝗴𝗱𝗳𝘀𝗮𝗴𝗵.

I'm so over it all that I want to quit and start over in a completely different field. I have gotten pretty good at making espresso lately.

I messaged Nat because I always message Nat when I spiral. She has a way of slowing the spin just enough for things to come back into focus.

She reminded me that I just needed to get the ball rolling.

Momentum builds momentum.

She didn't sugarcoat things either.

There have been real setbacks in my business, and real mistakes I've made. But while my instinct is to call them failures, she told me that they're also evidence that my priorities were in the right place: I was busy growing as a human, becoming an amazing dad, and adjusting to my new life in a new country.

She reminded me about the big picture..

Shit. She’s right.

(Dare I say she's always right?)

I’m not completely delusional. My content, videos, and business aren’t where I want them to be right now.

But most of what I'm feeling is just the by-product of losing momentum.

I think these are the moments that matter most as creators because they're when you’re most likely to call it quits on your calling.

𝗜𝘁’𝘀 𝗲𝗮𝘀𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗸𝗲𝗲𝗽 𝗴𝗼𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝘃𝗶𝗲𝘄𝘀 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝘂𝗽, 𝗶𝗻𝘀𝗽𝗶𝗿𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗶𝘀 𝗵𝗶𝗴𝗵, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆𝘁𝗵𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝘀 𝗿𝘂𝗻𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝘁𝗼𝗱𝗱𝗹𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗮𝗶𝗿𝗽𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗲 𝘁𝗼𝗶𝗹𝗲𝘁. 𝗗𝗲𝗰𝗶𝗱𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝘁𝗼 𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘂𝗽 𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗻 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗹𝗶𝗸𝗲 𝗾𝘂𝗶𝘁𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗴… 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗶𝗻𝗶𝘁𝗲𝗹𝘆 𝗵𝗮𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿. 𝗕𝘂𝘁 𝗶𝘁'𝘀 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝘄𝗲 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼.

As of writing this, I still feel like I'm sinking. But I know what I need to do. It’s what I’ve always done.

Keep showing up, and slowly work my way through the sludge.

—Matt

-----------------

How are you doing?

0 comments