A Double-Edged Sword · The Healing Circle

A Double-Edged Sword

For as long as I can remember, control has been my way of navigating the world. On the surface, it looked like stability, order, and strength. But underneath, control was often my shield protecting me from being seen too deeply, from being vulnerable, and from facing the fears and insecurities I carried inside..being found out basically.

In schema therapy, I’ve learned to see these patterns more clearly. Control was my way of avoiding the pain of being exposed or hurt. If I could manage situations, people, or even myself tightly enough, then maybe I wouldn’t feel rejected or abandoned. Control became a survival strategy. It gave me the false sensation of feeling safe.

But survival strategies don’t always leave much room for love. I now see how my need for control pushed away the very closeness I longed for. With the love of my life for example, I thought I was holding on to something steady but in reality, control left little space for openness, for acceptance, for love to simply be. To just be in the moment with her.

Losing that relationship forced me to look at control differently. It made me realize that what I thought was keeping me safe was actually keeping me stuck.

Today, I’m learning to relate to control in a new way. I don’t see it as the enemy it’s a part of me that once tried to protect me. But instead of letting it run my life, I’m learning to hold it more lightly. Control can serve me when it helps me create healthy boundaries, when it supports me in building habits and stability. But it doesn’t have to dictate how I connect with others.

What really heals is vulnerability, acceptance, and trust..all the things that control used to cover up.

I share this because I know I’m not alone. Many of us use control in one form or another whether it’s controlling ourselves, situations, or others thinking it will keep us safe. But often, it just keeps us from the love, connection, and freedom we actually want.

I’d love to hear from you:

How has control shown up in your life?
Has it helped you, or has it gotten in the way of love and healing?
What does “healthy control” or letting go of control look like for you now?

I believe these conversations and asking ourselves these questions can help us see ourselves with more compassion(worked for me), and maybe loosen the grip of control a little so there’s more space for love to flow in and flexibility (I had very little).

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