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I Couldn't Do It Anymore

𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘸𝘦𝘦𝘯 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘴𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘪𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘧𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘢 𝘸𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘥𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯...

That was me 4 years ago - I had done a lot of thought work for 2 years prior and still I was entrenched in people pleasing, being a disappointment, and doubting myself and my worth.

My nervous system could no longer sustain the tension and I broke.... It was a terrifying place to be - I felt crazy and yet I knew I would be okay - I literally felt like I was floating between 2 worlds.

That experience taught me that my nervous system needed safety. It needed space from the "𝘀𝗵𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱𝘀", the expectations, the demands of outside systems and I needed to create safety at home.

I cleared my calendar of all outside engagements except for 1 event for my kids --- and even though the dark abyss of depression didn't disappear, as I created safety and space for myself, my nervous system slowly began to calm down.

It became a season I will call "The Holy NO". As I healed I began to schedule small amounts of time with people I trusted and only for short bursts of time.

I began tuning into my body and noticing what needed tended. I slowly learned to tend to myself and stopped expecting others to do it for me.

4 years later, my body still remembers the experiences of that day. This week, even though the calendar is full, I get to choose to tend to those tender parts of me... I am grateful for the wisdom I received in that season and I am so grateful to be on this side of the darkness and experience so much goodness in life - even on the hard days.

𝗧𝗵𝗲 𝗱𝗮𝗿𝗸𝗻𝗲𝘀𝘀 𝗱𝗼𝗲𝘀𝗻'𝘁 𝗹𝗮𝘀𝘁 𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗲𝘃𝗲𝗿, 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘪𝘵 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘣𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘭𝘵. 𝘛𝘳𝘺𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘶𝘴𝘩 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘸𝘢𝘺 𝘰𝘳 𝘪𝘨𝘯𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘣𝘺𝘴𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘦𝘱𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘬𝘦𝘳.

𝗘𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘆 𝗲𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱𝘀 𝘁𝗼 𝗯𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗹𝘁 𝗶𝗻 𝗼𝗿𝗱𝗲𝗿 𝘁𝗼 𝗰𝗿𝗲𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗮 𝗱𝗶𝗳𝗳𝗲𝗿𝗲𝗻𝘁 (𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿) 𝗲𝘅𝗽𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗲𝗻𝗰𝗲.

Finish this sentence:

“𝗜𝗳 𝗜 𝗰𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘁𝗲𝗹𝗹 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝘁𝗿𝘂𝘁𝗵 𝗮𝗯𝗼𝘂𝘁 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗜’𝗺 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴, 𝗜 𝘄𝗼𝘂𝗹𝗱 𝘀𝗮𝘆 ______.”

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I Couldn't Do It Anymore