Recently I’ve hit a good amount of resistance when setting aside time to do the Work. I joined our calls and brought my questions and thoughts and current state to the group for guidance, and without fail these fine men helped me find out what I needed. We each can see these things from a different perspective, and that’s why I know I’m here, to offer my perspective and knowledge to those in need. *And that’s why it’s important to join the calls when you can!* =D My inner dialogue was loud… it was recommended to just listen to it for a few minutes, what’s being said, give it attention. A few minutes go by “okay Nick, this is a safe space, you are never going to be punished for your emotions, even if you’re mad at me, your mom, your dad, anyone.” My intentions have been to let my inner child hear this and feel it. So what comes out? Something I thought I handled. I was confused to see the memory come forward, filled with confusion. “I don’t get it! But I’m fucking scared.” As an adult NOW I can look at that moment, my mother being completely wasted after drinking a bottle of rum and driving me and my sister around at the age of (13?) I can look at that memory as an adult “that’s a sickness, she’s always struggled with this, she’s only a human” and I can defend her. BUT when I was a child I could not comprehend the fear, confusion, or guilt of it. So thank you to the guys that were available and listened and spoke up. *The release was so strong I was left shaking for about 10 minutes afterwards.

Yesterday started out with a curveball, my son Luca was awake and energized for the day earlier than anticipated (5:30) just filled with energy, I hadn’t slept well at all that night. Before going into his room and picking him up out of his crib I knew I was looking at a moment that would have turned a fairly normal day, and made it worse with disconnection and frustration. The morning started with a messy kitchen, a nearly 2 year old covered in peanut butter and jam and a phone filled with pictures, all by 6:30am There was even more moments that morning that would’ve historically sent me into a fit of anger, frustration, irritability… I would have been a NIGHTMARE to be around. But I was present, I knew how I was truly feeling, I was mindful and helpful, conversational, present, and in control of my emotions.

This week has been wildly validating for this work. I used to be fixed on money & account balances (safety / worried about the future). It was my life ring. Having 'enough'... Saving 'enough'. Today November 20, I have less money in my bank accounts than I can ever (not exaggerating) remember... and I'm not that concerned about it. I know I can earn more, I know I can adjust resources & expenses. I know I can balance the equation. I also know there are many roads to a different $ place. I see dates in the future when things will shift. I know I am capable to move through this season. This level of comfort is so foreign, I haven't quite landed on what I think or feel about it yet. But I love the peace.

I was recently given advice to try and act like a toddler, if I want to do something just go for it. Listen to my intuition and see what happens. I have Luca at home today, and I have the day off for Veterans Day and I thought “let’s go for a hike, Luca would love it.” There was no questioning it, no worries (except if we had enough time before his nap) and we just went for it. We hiked a mile or two, I carried him most of it and we brought a few things for lunch. Got him home and down for his nap and then as I did my daily check in *BOOM* I was hit with this overwhelming feeling of joy, the same joy I felt the day he was born, true inner peace and happiness came flooding over me as I reflected on this hike. Today has turned into what feels like the day my son was born, or the day I got married.