Seeker part 6 · The Lighthouse Project

Seeker part 6

People pleasing

Everyone must like me! Why is it not OK that people are not OK with me? I don't know exactly where it comes from but I was always one to make sure that people approved of my behaviour. This most likely stems from the conditional love I received as a child and later on.

I remember leaving my classroom at the age of 6 or 7 and heading to the school office where my mum worked part-time excited to show her my artwork that I had gotten an A+ for. I also had a maths test on which I hadn't done so well. I think I had a D+ or something.

I couldn't wait for her to see the “masterpiece” I had created and praise me for my A+. She barely noticed it and honed in on my maths paper. “What happened here!? Why did you do so badly?” etc etc. I tried to point out my artwork and was ignored.

This was a running theme in my upbringing. Getting good grades wasn't a good thing per se. It was expected and anything else meant I was berated.

I also, moved about as a kid from the UK to the USA where I was laughed at for using words like trousers and tap instead of pants and faucet. The reverse happened when I moved back to the UK. I was teased for my American accent, mullet and earring.

I learned to adapt like a chameleon. I quickly lost my southern Cali surfer dude accent and spoke proper British-like. I cut my long curls off within a month of starting the last year of primary school and 2 years later I finally caved into bullying at secondary school and removed my earring.

I have been an open person as a result able to see past the masks of most people to see their inner beauty which would result in me acting, in part, the same way as them. Almost like a mirror to their behaviour so they would relate to me.

This would cause me to have many personas. To the point where I wouldn't invite some people from seperate groups to the same event, as I felt I couldn't maintain the 2 personas at the same time. I was worried that my friends would see this other side of me which they didn't know and think that's not Ben when in reality neither were really who I was.

This is a deep ingrained habit which I am slowly but surely dissolving. I still like many different people but my need for them to like me is greatly diminished even though I am still able to be that mirror for their behaviours when I feel called to do so (it feels like a very deep level thing that I still don't fully understand.)

In October I went through an Aura Transformation which has taken my people-pleasing need and ripped it to pieces. When I got back from the three days I felt like I just didn't give a fuck anymore. Not in a narcisitic way but in a way that just couldn't care less if you like me or not, I am going to say exactly what is coming up with no filters. That's basically it, I have removed the filters which controlled and limited me for most of my life.

And if that doesn't resonate with you then you can just Fuck Off!! Nahh, I'm joking of course. Thank you for holding space and giving me the opportunity to get all this shit out and written down. Much love.

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