Wednesday July 8th · The Conquerors!!

Wednesday July 8th

Hello Conquerors!!

Well, yesterday was quite quite rough. Felt like my body went through 10 panic attacks. Felt like it was unsafe to go to bed. Etc

However, I still made myself be IN bed I believe by 10:30. I still made myself brush floss and moisturize before that. I still turned on my meditation

Why is this important to note? Because having cptsd and being neurodivergent AND physically being by myself, these are the types of things in the past that would have stopped first. "Self care" would be the FIRST to go.

Same thing this morning. I woke up with dread and said quickly make protein shake and go for a walk. And I did.

It is a short walk. On purpose. Came back and I honestly don't remember at the moment what I did.

But I am hopefully getting an advocate which I desperately need.

I feel like I'm in the twilight zone. But I simultaneously feel like things are FINALLY starting to make sense. Not be ok..but make sense.

Basically her dad took complete advantage of the fact that I'm neurodivergent (I didn't know) and had trauma

Not just in our marriage. But especially since.

He KNOWS I don't have money. Yet his "casual" suggestion via text yesterday was to do the traveling over two days

He didn't mention how if I did that, I'm now going to have to get additional ubers, and food, and a hotel etc. Money i do not have.

Guys, I truly did not realize there are people who want to hurt me. But I'm experiencing it in real time.

That being said, what is DIFFERENT now:

*Physically, I cannot do air travel at the moment. And I am honoring that for the first time. Because I see how it just won't happen.

*I am talking to my caseworker about what is happening

I would not say that I am sleeping amazingly or anything. However, I DO think that me continuining my rule of no tv in bed has been a massive benefit. Not necessarily when I wake up. And not that I'm stress free. But the fact that I haven't given up. The fact that I'm not having panic attacks 24/7.. is huge.

Because it IS a very scary time for me. I have "poked the bear" so to speak. With a narcissist. Basically sociopath.

I didnt do it intentionally. But since he is not getting exactly his way, he is now trying to punish me.

See in the past when stuff like this happened, i internalized it. And now I'm starting to speak up.

All I can do is continue being honest. And have faith. This is REAL freaking faith. Because I have no idea what's going to happen

But I now know what DOESN'T work for me. Being rushed DOESN'T work for me. Having to pretend I have money or resources that I don't, doesn't work for me.

I FINALLY have my procedure for abnormal cells scheduled. YEARS of not doing it.

This is the level I was not taking care of myself.

But this is why- because of him and his games. But also using my daughter.

I truly thought EVERYONE had a conscience. But that isn't true. And I'm living it.

That being said, I am going to do my best to enjoy MY evening

Love you guys! Remember: Don't. Give. Up.

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Wednesday July 8th