Village or Void? When the "Village" is Damaged or Missing 🏚️

"It takes a village to raise a child."

We hear this all the time. But for many of us—especially those of us solo parenting abroad—the reality is very different. We don't have a village.

So, we become the village. We try to be the mother, the father, the aunt, the uncle, and the teacher all at once. This leads to burnout—not just physical exhaustion, but mental depletion. When we are in that state of survival, it is hard to be truly present.

But there is a second, harder struggle: What happens when your co-parent does have a village, but you realize that is where the dysfunction comes from?

Maybe they hand the kids off to grandparents to avoid doing the work themselves. Maybe that family never broke the cycle of trauma. They might love your children in their own way, but as we know, love on that side isn't always healthy. It often comes with "traumatic traditions."

The Double Burden This doubles your workload. You aren't just raising your children; you are constantly working to protect them from that toxic environment and debrief them when they return.

Your Home is the Burst of Color It reminds me of a moment in The Boy with the Blue Bike. After leaving the gray, rigid neighborhood of Stonehaven, Leo describes the feeling of finally crossing back into his own safe reality:

"Heading out of the neighborhood, we pass all the gray. As soon as we cross the border, we experience a burst of color. Even Chippy feels it, and it looks like he is smiling all the way home."

You are that burst of color. When your children leave the "gray" of the other home and cross the border back to you, they can finally exhale.

It is easy to panic and feel like the "toxic village" will ruin your children. But here is a psychological fact to ground you, The Power of ONE :

The "One Stable Adult" Rule: Research from the Harvard Center on the Developing Child shows that resilience doesn't require a perfect community. The single most common factor for children who thrive despite adversity is at least one stable and committed relationship with a supportive parent.

You don't need to fix the other village. You just need to be the Safe Headquarters. When they are with you, they are safe, heard, and regulated. That one stable base is enough to counteract the chaos elsewhere.

We Are Your Village If you are abroad, or if you are isolated, remember: You might not have a physical village, but you have a community. We are here to listen, to validate, and to remind you that you are doing enough.

👇 Let’s talk about it: Which boat are you in right now? A) The Solo Island: No village at all (doing it all alone). B) The Protective Shield: Dealing with a co-parent's "damaged" village. C) Building It: Slowly finding your safe people.

Stay strong, Superparents. We have you. 🛡️

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