Oct 29 • Empowering Solo Parents
From Shield to Fortress: Taking Back Control in High-Conflict Co-Parenting
Hey Superparents,
Ever feel like you've been on the defensive for... well, forever?
We love our children, and our first instinct is to act as their shield. It's noble, but let's be honest: it's exhausting. Being a human shield means you're still taking all the hits, and no matter how strong you are, you will get tired.
So, let's talk about switching from defensive to offensive. Not aggressive, strategic. The best offense in this game isn't about attacking; it's about removing your coparent's ability to control you.
How? You stop giving them the one thing they crave: Your reaction.
Your reaction, good or bad, is their fuel. The moment you truly realize that and emotionally detach from their attempts to provoke, the entire game changes.
This will be hard at first. The second they sense a change, their attacks will get worse. They will get louder, meaner, and more desperate to get a reaction.
This is a predictable psychological phenomenon. In behavioral psychology, it’s called an Extinction Burst.
As psychology articles on the topic explain, when a behavior that used to work (like sending a nasty text to get a reaction) suddenly stops working, the person doesn't just give up. They will dramatically escalate the behavior in a "burst" to try and force the old result.
This is the most critical moment. Their rage is not a sign that your boundary is wrong. It's the sign that your boundary is working. They are questioning what's happening and panicking. Hold your line.
Your New Toolkit
Instead of being a shield, you are now building a fortress. Here are your tools:
- Read, Don't Absorb: You get a 1,000-word paragraph of nonsense with 20 different topics? Don't let it flood you.
- Find the One Thing: Scan that novel for the one thing that actually requires a response (e.g., "What time is pickup?").
- BIFF the Rest: Respond only to that one thing using BIFF (Brief, Informative, Friendly, Firm). Everything else is just bait.
The fortress is proactive. It’s built on your terms. They will keep testing the walls, but eventually, they will see that they can no longer get in. They will have no choice but to respect your boundaries.
Hold your line. See you on the other side.
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From Shield to Fortress: Taking Back Control in High-Conflict Co-Parenting
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