2d (edited) • General discussion
Prepared for the Negative: Why Approaching Gets Easier When You Stop Waiting to Feel Ready
If you’ve read my other posts on monitoring conflict, this is where it all starts to come together.
Because what stops you from approaching isn’t lack of knowledge, or even lack of opportunity, (
depeding on where you are ofc..)
it’s the moment of internal conflict. That split second where one part of you wants to move forward, and another part pulls you back.
And if you’re not trained to see that clearly, the wrong side wins. Every time.
So let’s make this personal.
Most people think approaching should feel like confidence. Like clarity. Like “yeah, I’m ready.” But if you’re honest about your own experience, that’s not what actually happens.
What happens is:
“I should go talk to her…”
“Wait, what if it’s weird?”
“Maybe later…”
“I’m not feeling it right now…”
That right there, that is the moment that matters.
Not confidence. Not motivation but conflict.
And this is why I keep emphasizing in this group: start monitoring it and the importance of staying present, this obv doesnt apply to only approaching women, but everything we put off doing that we know deep down what we want to do.
when you don’t take action, you unconsciously identify with whatever thought is loudest.
“I’m nervous.”
“I don’t feel like it.”
“This isn’t the right moment.”
But those statements are subtly misleading.
They make it sound like there is one unified “you.”
There isn’t.
What’s actually happening is:
A part of your mind wants to approach
A part of your mind wants to avoid
And whichever one you identify with becomes “you.”
This is where dis-identification becomes everything.
Instead of:
“I’m nervous”
Start shifting to...
“I notice the mind is generating nervousness”
Instead of..
“I don’t feel like approaching”
Shift to:
“I notice resistance showing up”
Instead of:
I’m not confident today”
Shift to:
“There’s a lack of confidence arising right now”
These are not just semantic tricks. This is functional control. I will have to dig out the Dr K video on this, but its a game changer..
Because the moment you say “I am nervous,” you collapse into the experience. You become it and you cant see beyond it. There is no separation, no choice, just reaction.
But when you say, “I notice the mind is producing nervousness,” something subtle happens. You create space. Now there is an observer and a process. T
And in that space, action becomes possible.
This is a big focus of this group for a reason, because this is actually how motivation works.
Not as some magical force that appears and makes things easy.
But as something that emerges when you are no longer blindly controlled by your internal states.
This is also why “broism” advice, (I think thats whats its called "just push through", just be confident, just go for it, doesn’t work long term.
Because it ignores the mechanism.
It tells you what to do, but not what’s happening inside you when you fail to do it. And that understanding is key, and its why bootcamps only work while the student is actually on the bootcamp.
So you try to push through. Maybe it works once or twice. But eventually..
your willpower runs out
your emotions spike
your thoughts get louder
And you’re back where you started.
Not because you’re weak, but because you never learned to see the conflict clearly.
SO SOMETHING YOU CAN DO THAT SCIENTIFICALLY IS SHOWN TO MASSIVELY INCREASE YOUR CHANCES OF DOING MORE STUFF YOU HAVE RESISTANCE TO..
Be ready for the negative.
Prepare to not feel like it, anticipate the negative,,
Coming back to approaching specifically, here’s what being “prepared for the negative” actually looks like in real terms.
You see someone you want to talk to.
Immediately:
your body tightens
your mind starts generating scenarios
hesitation appears
Now instead of reacting, you notice:
“Okay, there’s the resistance.”
“I notice the mind is predicting rejection.”
“I notice the urge to delay.”
You don’t try to fix it.
You don’t try to hype yourself up.
You don’t wait for confidence.
You just see it clearly.
And then, this is the key, you move, with it still there.
Because here’s the truth most people don’t realize...
You don’t resolve the conflict and then act.
You stay conflicted… and then act anyway.
READ THAT AGAIN.
That’s what actually happens.
The idea that you’ll feel calm, certain, and then approach? That’s a fantasy your mind uses to delay action.
In reality, it’s more like:
“I don’t want to do this…”
“This feels uncomfortable…”
“I’m going anyway.”
And then you’re already walking.
That’s it.
The decision doesn’t feel clean. It doesn’t feel final. It often feels messy and unresolved right up until the moment of movement.
That’s normal.
And the more you understand this, the less power that internal voice has.
Because you stop waiting for it to go away.
Another important piece, especially if you’ve been stuck in cycles...is not over-trusting your “good days.”
Sometimes you’ll feel confident. Open. Social.
And your instinct will be:
“Today’s the day—I’m going all in.”
But be careful.
Because if you only act when you feel good, you’re still being controlled—just by a different state.
So instead of:
doing 10 approaches because you feel great
Try:
doing your set amount regardless of how you feel.. (Massively lower the bar and set a criteria you can realistcly achieve)
Even if you feel amazing, you hold back slightly. Stick to the set amount,
Why?
Because you’re training consistency, not chasing states.
This is how you avoid the pattern of..
huge progress one day
complete drop-off the next
It’s the same rubber band effect I’ve mentioned before. this is something I experienced in both boxing training and cold approach, I could only do it because I felt like it.
Now let’s tie this all together.
If you’re struggling with approaching, it’s not because:
you lack confidence
you need more motivation
you need to “become someone else”
It’s because:
you’re identifying with the wrong side of the conflict
you’re not monitoring it clearly
you’re waiting for the negative to disappear
Instead, the shift is...
You expect the resistance.
You notice it without becoming it.
You act while it’s still there.
And over time, something really interesting happens.
The resistance gets quieter.
The conflict becomes less intense.
The action feels more natural.
because you stopped letting it control you and not because you forced through, subtle difference.
So next time you’re in that moment, standing there, thinking about approaching, don’t look for confidence.
Just ask yourself:
“What is the mind doing right now?”
Watch the conflict.
Name it. "The mind is in conflict..."
And then move anyway.
Please let me know you have read this and it makes sense, because I promise this is really powerful once you understand it, as its now tying everything together.
Joe
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Prepared for the Negative: Why Approaching Gets Easier When You Stop Waiting to Feel Ready
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