Apr 2 • BEDFORD TO BALI
WHEN EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AT ONCE AND YOU’RE FEELING ALL OF IT
A WEEK THAT HAS FELT LIKE A COMPLETE WHIRLWIND…
It’s been a whirlwind of a week. There has been so much going on and so many thoughts rushing through my head, which has kind of seen me up and down with a lot of the things that I would normally be doing. It’s like I’ve been moving through everything, but not always in the way I would choose, more in a way that’s been led by everything that’s happening around me.
THE HOUSE, THE CHAOS AND LETTING GO OF MORE THAN JUST THINGS…
To start with, the house is in utter chaos, and organising everything that is to go and what we’re taking to Bali has been a massive process. It’s not just about the items themselves, it’s about the emotion and the energy that is attached to them. Letting go of things like that can feel really scary, because you’re not just releasing objects, you’re releasing parts of your life that you’ve been holding onto for a long time.
Even though it can be cathartic, it’s also hard. There are moments where it just feels heavy, where you can feel everything that sits behind what you’re deciding to keep and what you’re deciding to let go of.
THE EMOTION TIED TO FAMILY AND MEMORIES…
A lot has come up through this process. There have been things from my dad and others who have passed away, and that carries a different kind of weight. There’s so much emotion behind those items, and deciding whether to keep them in a keepsake box or to release them has been a really big, long process for both me and Lily.
It’s not a quick decision. It’s something that has needed time, space, and a lot of feeling.
WHEN IT ALL STARTS FEELING VERY REAL…
At the same time, there have been a lot of exciting things happening as well. The change is really cementing in now. This is happening. It’s getting real in a way that you can’t ignore anymore. There isn’t long until the planned date of leaving, and I think we’re now about four weeks away from moving out to our long-term home in Bali.
Lily is starting to really get excited, but she’s also having highs and lows. Everything being chaotic and stuff being everywhere is really difficult for her, because she thrives on structure, organisation, and clarity. Right now, she’s in a bit of limbo, and that’s not an easy place for her to be.
THE UNCERTAINTY THAT NO ONE CAN CONTROL…
We’ve also had some ups and downs with some of the legal things that we’re waiting on at the moment. There was a bit of a shock when we realised that if certain things don’t come through, we might have to push our date back by a week or so. We are still planning for the 29th of April, and we’ll reassess if there’s a need to change that.
Giving Lily the heads up about that now is really important, because she needs to know there is a variable, and that it’s something that is out of my hands. If things do need to change, it won’t come as a complete shock to her.
That said, it has upset her, which is completely understandable. She is very fixated on the date we have planned to leave, and for an autistic child, that clarity and certainty is really important. Not having that fully locked in, and knowing it could change, is really tough.
It’s something we’re working through together at the moment, because if I’m honest, I’m struggling with it as well. But we are still focusing on the 29th. We are holding that as our date. That is what we are working towards.
PLANS THAT ARE COMING TOGETHER…
Alongside all of this, the plans for the weekend away with all of my kids and grandkids are now all in place. Everything is booked, the car hire is sorted, and now it’s just a case of going in a couple of weeks.
I’m really looking forward to it.
It’s going to be something really special, not just because we’re all together, but because of what it represents.
WHAT THIS WEEKEND WILL MEAN…
We’ll be scattering my dad’s ashes, which in itself is a big moment. But we’ll also be spending time camping together, something I haven’t done with all of my grandkids before. Only my oldest has been camping with us, so being able to do that with all of them feels really important.
It’s something I did as a child, something all of my kids have done growing up, and now it’s something we get to share together as a full family.
I know it’s going to be a bit of carnage, with kids running in different directions, needing different things, putting tents up and all of that chaos that comes with camping, but that’s also part of the fun.
A PAUSE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT ALL…
I’m really looking forward to it. It feels like it’s going to be a really nice reset, a moment to pause, reflect, and just be together before everything changes.
Right now, everything still feels like it’s moving, shifting, and unfolding all at once. There’s no neat ending to this week, no tidy bow to wrap it up with. It’s very much still in motion, still being lived, still being figured out as we go.
And maybe that’s the point.
Learning to sit in the middle of it all without needing it to be finished yet. 💗
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WHEN EVERYTHING IS CHANGING AT ONCE AND YOU’RE FEELING ALL OF IT
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Documenting my journey: real, raw life as a neurodiverse mum. First solo trip to Bali 🏝️
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