Jan 25 • BEDFORD TO BALI
FIVE DAYS TO GO (HOW IS THIS EVEN REAL?)
FIVE DAYS TO GO.
How the heck is it five days already? It’s flying past and it’s hitting hard that it’s all happening. There are so many feelings going on, so many thoughts going on, and sleep has been horrific over the last week. I’m absolutely exhausted, but my mind just won’t switch off. I keep doing brain dumps, organising my thoughts, talking to people to try and clear my head and process what’s going on for me, but it’s still kind of just there today.
THE VISA BIT.
I started my visa and then stopped because I was getting so confused with it and I didn’t want to do it wrong, so I had to put that on pause for a little bit so I could gather my thoughts properly. I really didn’t want to mess it up.
PACKING MODE.
Me and Lils also sorted out our bags today. Everything that needs to go in my bag is sorted, but I didn’t actually finish packing it because I ran out of steam, mainly because we also sorted all of Lily’s stuff as well. There’s been a lot of thinking going into what we’re taking, what we’re leaving, making sure we’ve got what we need, putting everything together so it’s all ready. I literally just need to put it all into my bag now and then I’m ready to go.
THE ANXIETY WAVES.
The anxiety has been kicking my arse if I’m honest. It’s coming in waves, not all the time, but when it hits, it hits hard. I get moments where I feel really overwhelmed by everything I need to do and also by the big event that’s happening, going on my own to the other side of the world.
THIS PART WAS HARD.
One of her sisters said to me today that Lily had been really quiet and off while they were playing on the PlayStation. I kind of knew what it was anyway because we’d spoken about it the other day, but today I think the realisation hit her properly. There were quite a few tears. She was worried that I wasn’t going to come back, that I was going to want to stay in Bali and leave her with her sister, which would never happen, but those were the thoughts she was having.
SO WE MADE A PLAN.
We worked through it together and put a plan in place. I’ve given her a clear breakdown of the time zone differences, what time it will be for me and what time it will be for her, so she knows when she can message and call me. We’re also going to set specific times on set days for me to check in, just so she knows I’m okay. That helped, for both of us.
LIFE ADMIN (THE GOOD KIND).
All of my kids are getting together to do indoor skydiving, which I got them for a Christmas present, and we’d been trying to plan it before me and Lils head off to Bali later in the year. While Lily was playing on the PlayStation with her brother and both sisters, my son’s girlfriend and I spent about fifteen minutes going back and forth on messages and then it was done. Booked, everyone updated, agreed.
LOOKING AHEAD.
So now we’ve got that set for the beginning of March, which is actually not long after I get back from Bali because I get back on the 20th of February, and then two weeks later I’ll be meeting up with all my kids and grandkids again. That feels really good, something else falling into place.
WHERE I’M AT RIGHT NOW.
I think I’m more or less ready now. The next few days are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions, excitement, guilt, anxiety, nervousness, and it’s not just my emotions, they’re Lily’s too. I need to be supportive of how she’s feeling because while I’m feeling excited, she’s feeling anxious and scared, and I completely get that.
Me and Lils had some girly time, foot & face masks while watching a film (The new Don't tell mom the babysitters dead) which was SOOO nice for us both. We definitely needed it!!
THE TRUTH.
I’m the one person she relies on and for a short space of time I’m not going to be around, which is scary for both of us. But I know this. It’s going to be amazing. We’re going to get time to miss each other and we’ll come back stronger.
So there we have it, five days to go, and somehow everything has fallen into place.
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FIVE DAYS TO GO (HOW IS THIS EVEN REAL?)
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Documenting my journey: real, raw life as a neurodiverse mum. First solo trip to Bali 🏝️
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