9 DAYS TO GO — I DIDN’T SLEEP, AND MY BRAIN WENT INTO OVERDRIVE

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Nine days to go.

So I didn’t sleep very well last night, I’d tossed and turned for ages and then at about 1am this morning I ended up having quite a severe panic attack, feeling sick, dizzy, unable to breathe, like there was a weight on my chest constantly, which meant not falling back to sleep until gone 3 o’clock in the morning.

AND IT TOOK A WHILE TO COME BACK DOWN.

It took me quite a while to calm down and get myself back into a little bit of calm to be able to go to sleep, so I ended up getting up, going for a drink, and then going into the office and sitting in front of my computer and writing out everything that was going through my head.

Because I literally had so many thoughts and feelings happening all at once that it just completely threw me off.

THIS IS WHAT IT FELT LIKE.

The ADHD, autism, dyslexia and anxiety all mixed into one and played a complete non-funny prank on me last night.

I was making lists in my head and every time I made a list something else popped in, and then the list was getting all muddled, so I needed a way to just get it all out and clear what was actually going on.

Then all the feelings of worry about the travel, about leaving Lil, just all came to a head.

AND THEN IT SNOWBALLED.

That then had a knock-on effect because I slept through my alarm and didn’t wake up until 9:45, and I had a meeting with my granddaughter’s nursery at 9:30, which I missed.

So I was really annoyed with myself, beating myself up basically, because I felt awful for missing something I said I would do to advocate for my daughter and my granddaughter.

To be honest, the day started off really crappy.

I started off dysregulated, tired, and already in a bit of a muddle in my own thoughts, and that spilled out throughout the morning and ended up with me losing my shit with Lily.

AND THAT WAS HARD.

It wasn’t anything in particular that she’d done, I was just so dysregulated that everything was grinding my gears, and that meant every sound, every movement, everything just made me more and more dysregulated.

Instead of actually taking time out in the morning, after already having the panic wake-up and the phone call with my daughter and missing the meeting, I should have stepped away and regulated, but I didn’t.

SO I CHANGED TACK.

I did do a little bit of work, but my head was completely blown, so I stepped away and had a really nice long shower.

That’s something I do quite often when I have a lot of mixed thoughts and feelings in my body. I use the shower as a way to regulate and ground, just letting the water wash over me, and all the negative thoughts and the overwhelm just wash down the drain with the water.

When I came out of the shower things felt a lot better. I felt a lot calmer.

AND THAT HELPED.

I was able to go and look at the list I wrote last night and check off the things I’d done and the things I still need to do in regards to the solo trip.

Now, I am excited, really excited, to be doing this, but it does come with so many mixed emotions and mixed thoughts.

Because as a mum we tend to hold onto guilt and worry, that’s just part of the job description really, it comes with the territory.

And when you add all the other complexities I have on top, with neurodiversity and anxiety, it means I end up feeling things a lot and internalising them.

BUT THIS PART MATTERS.

I recognised it very quickly, stopped myself, and had a conversation with Lily to explain that actually this had nothing to do with her.

This is an amazing thing.

And I apologised for how I’d behaved, because at the end of the day, a dysregulated mum means a dysregulated child.

SO WE RESET.

I got some things ticked off my list.

Emailed the accommodation.

Got my meal sorted on my flight.

Sorted my train times to get to the airport.

Lily’s got her list together of all the things she needs to pack to go to her sister’s, and I’ve got all of my clothes together ready to go in the backpack over the course of this week.

Things are moving along nicely.

I’ve still got a long list to get through, but I’ll get there. I have to get there.

Well, I do have a choice.

And this is a choice I’ve made.

And it’s a choice I’m looking forward to.

So yeah… there we have it.

Nine days to go.

Chaos is still very much in the picture, with an added twist of anxiety.

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