Jul '25 (edited) • All Members Post Here
The "I'm OK, You're OK" Transformation
If you want to help a coaching client transform any relationship, then all you need is the "I'm OK, You're OK" communication framework.
During a recent Relationship You Deserve coaching call…
One of my students was sharing how her husband responds whenever she needs emotional support.
"When I'm upset and turn to him, I get into this real desolation," she told me. "Nothing he can do can make me feel better. I just feel completely hopeless."
For 37 years of marriage, this pattern had been repeating.
So I shared with her the four boxes of communication:
Box 1: "I'm not OK, you're not OK."
This is rock bottom. The place where both people feel helpless and defensive.
"Nothing I do makes any difference anyway."
"You never listen, and I'm sick of trying."
"We're both just broken."
Box 2: "I'm OK, you're not OK."
This is where one person takes the superior position.
"I can't deal with your emotions right now."
"There's something wrong with you."
"If only you would change, everything would be fine."
Box 3: "I'm not OK, you're OK."
This is self-deprecation and victimhood.
"Don't worry about little old me, just scraping by."
"Everyone else is fine, I'm the only one with problems."
"I've looked after myself since I was five years old."
Sidenote: My mother-in-law is a master at this one 😅 She drops these lines and waits for everyone to rush in with reassurance.
But the magic happens in Box 4...
"I'm OK, you're OK."
This is where the real connection is.
It doesn't mean everything is perfect. It means we're approaching each other as capable adults who both have valid perspectives.
It means seeing each other's inner five-year-old without judging it.
It means recognising when your partner shifts into one of the other boxes without following them there.
During the call, my student realised WHY she’d felt so helpless previously…
"I've been in Box 1 - 'I'm not OK, you're not OK' - whenever I feel this way," she said. "But the reality is my husband is there for me. He's doing everything possible to be with me during that time."
In an instant, she moved from "I'm not OK, you're not OK" to "I'm OK, you're OK."
A pattern that lasted nearly four decades began to shift in minutes.
The point is…
This framework isn't just for your personal relationships.
It's a game-changer with coaching clients too.
Notice when your client is in "I'm not OK" mode with their work, their business, their health, their finances etc.
Help them shift to seeing themselves as “OK” and capable of handling whatever comes.
Help them see others as OK too… and not enemies or obstacles, but humans with their own valid perspectives.
When someone makes this shift, you'll see:
* Problems that seemed impossible suddenly have solutions.
* Conflicts that felt eternal find resolution.
* Connections that were broken begin to heal.
The beautiful part?
You don't need to master this 100% to start seeing results.
Even recognising which box you're in during a conversation creates space for something new.
"Oh, I'm in Box 2 right now. No wonder we're stuck."
This awareness alone breaks the pattern.
This awareness is the core of relationship coaching… giving people a framework to understand their interactions in a completely new way.
Because when you help someone see the box they've been living in, you give them the key to unlock a whole new relationship.
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The "I'm OK, You're OK" Transformation
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