🚂Runaway train never coming back...
This past Friday I had set myself up to join a small group ( Executive Skill Journey) where I could practice some public speaking. All week, while I was truly busy, I was also actively avoiding preparing for it. The little girl within me, with her own not so great experiences growing up in relation to this, was showing up and trying to protect me. Through avoidance. Something she often did when she was little--be it frequently skipping school in third grade, running away when she was 10 or keeping quiet in situations when it would have been better to speak up. Since then, I've taken on challenges where I tried to overcome this, but if enough time passes, it can be easy to go back to old patterns in some instances (definitely not all)....So...I was avoiding it, until I couldn't any longer. So, what did I do? I decided to ebrace it and speak on avoidance....ironic maybe. But here are some points about avoidance!! :) It's kinda long, but i hope you benefit!
Avoidance shows up in everyone’s life- urging us to delay, distract, or pull away from something uncomfortable. It can be physical (not showing up), emotional (numbing out), or cognitive (distraction). It gives immediate relief which further reinforces the avoidance cycle.
Why do People Avoid:
- Emotional protection and safety from real or perceived threat: Avoidance can in fact keep us safe from real danger (best not go pet a lion in the wild...bummer) But, most of our threats are social nowadays (Think rejection, failure, embarrassment). It tries to shield us from fear, shame, and sadness. It kind of gives an emotional off-switch, and while it gives a quick relief, it does weaken resilience. It promises comfort but at the expense of longer term strength.
2. Conditioning & Reinforcement: Avoidance feels good right away -the brain releases dopamine for that relief and then learns “Avoidance = safety,” creating a habit loop: discomfort → escape → relief → stronger avoidance. Look at us conditioning ourselves and not even knowing it!
3. Cognitive Beliefs: Thoughts like “I can’t handle this” or “They’ll judge me” drive avoidance.The brain doesn’t question them; it just reacts and tries to protect from that as if it's true. By avoiding, we actually lose the chance to learn that we can handle hard things. "You are stronger than you think"
4. Learned Behavior: Many of us saw avoidance modeled-silence, withdrawal, distraction. Sometimes it's just what we learned.
5. The Illusion of Control: Avoidance gives a sense of control, it kind of did for me... "If I'm not there then I don't have to deal with it". "If I don’t try, I can’t fail.”But over time, it shrinks our world and keeps growth out of reach. Avoidance makes life smaller in exchance for a temporary relief. Kind of a bummer.
🧠 What’s Happening in the Brain (bear with me, but the nerdy part of me loves this and part of my writing is to use in other places)
-Amygdala : the brain’s alarm system. It senses danger and triggers a fight, flight, or freeze (or fawn) response. The amygdala doesn’t know the difference between a bear in the woods and a room full of people waiting for you to speak so it sets off the alarm. Thank you, brain!
-Prefrontal Cortex (PFC): The reasoning part of the brain. It helps you assess whether the threat is real or imagined. When fear spikes, the amygdala can override the PFC, and logic takes a back seat. It can be harder to access.
-Anterior Cingulate Cortex (ACC): Detects conflict and discomfort. It lights up when you feel inner tension between what you want to do and what you fear doing.
-Insula: Monitors body sensations like tightness in the chest, nausea, or anxiety. It’s what helps you “feel” your emotions physically.
When discomfort rises, the brain sounds the alarm. You feel anxious, your body tenses, and avoidance offers a quick escape. The moment you back away, you feel better and that relief is powerful.
🔁 The Avoidance Feedback Loop
Every time we avoid, the brain learns that escape equalssafety.
- Discomfort or fear appears.
- Avoidance happens (you cancel, distract, or delay).
- Relief follows and makes the anxiety drop.
- The brain releases dopamine to reward that relief.
This creates a loop: discomfort → avoidance → relief → reinforced avoidance.The next time something uncomfortable comes up, the brain says, “Let’s just skip it again.”
Avoidance feels like control, but it actually trains the brain to be more reactive in the future. What once felt like a small discomfort begins to feel like a major threat. Think of a smoke alarm reacting the same whether it's a kitchen fire or just some burnt toast.
🌬️ Strategies to Break the Cycle
Avoidance can be unlearned...Actually. let me rephrase that..New neural pathways can be created through practice and the old ones will lose their strength (they're not unlearned...we just learn something new) These strategies help retrain the brain and calm the nervous system.
1. Name It Clearly
Avoidance thrives in vagueness and uncertainty. Identify what you’re avoiding and what emotion it brings up( fear, shame, embarrassment, uncertainty_.Naming the emotion activates the prefrontal cortex, which helps calm the amygdala.
Ask yourself: “What am I avoiding right now, and why?”
2. Start Small
Avoidance often comes from overwhelm. Break your goal or task into the smallest possible step.Small, safe actions show the brain that approach is possible and survivable. Each success begins to rewire the brain’s threat response.
Example: instead of “I have to fix everything,” try “I’ll send one message” or “I’ll do five minutes.”
3. Calm the Body to Calm the Brain
When anxiety rises, the body and brain work together.Try:
-Slow breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 2, exhale for 6. (or box breathing: inhale 4, hold 4, exhale 4, hold 4)
-Grounding: name 5 things you see, 4 you feel, 3 you hear, 2 you smell, 1 taste; focus on one thing.
-Movement: a short walk or stretch helps release built-up energy.
These practices reduce activation in the amygdala and allow the prefrontal cortex to come back online.
4. Reframe the Story
Notice the thoughts that drive avoidance. Often it’s “I can’t handle this” or “It will go wrong.”Challenge those thoughts by asking, “What if I can handle it?” or “What if it goes right?” Or even just create distance between you and the story by saying "The story that I'm telling myself about this is ___"
This retrains your brain to see discomfort as a challenge, not a threat.
5. Build Tolerance for Discomfort
The goal isn’t to feel fearless, but to stay with discomfort long enough for your brain to realize it’s safe.When you feel the urge to avoid, pause and remind yourself, “This is discomfort, not danger.” Then take one small step forward anyway.
Each time you do, the amygdala quiets a little faster, and the PFC strengthens its control.
6. Replace Avoidance with Engagement
Avoidance leaves an emotional vacuum. Fill that space intentionally:talk to a friend, take action aligned with your values, or ground yourself in something meaningful.Engagement teaches your brain that connection and action bring real safety, not withdrawal.
Thoughts to ponder:
What’s one thing you’ve been avoiding ? What's been your history with avoidance?
(a song that was playing when I was young that sticks with me: Soul Asylum - Runaway Train)
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🚂Runaway train never coming back...
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