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26d • Relational Health 💕
🚪 Intruders in Relationships: Protecting What’s Important
Yesterday's conversation in this group: 30 Day Challenge ran by prompted this topic for me.(Check it out if you haven't done so already--it's honestly one of my favorites: the challenges are meaningful and the vibes are solid!)
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Every healthy relationship needs a sense of safety, respect, and good boundaries. When boundaries are unclear or when we don't have a strong sense of the things within us that still need tending to , outside influences can slip in and create distance, conflict, or resentment. Cloud and Townsend (in their books "boundaries" and "boundaries in marriage" ) call these outside influences “intruders.”
Intruders are not always people with bad intentions. They can be anyone or anything that disrupts connection or takes priority over the relationship. They can also be internal states that influence choices (e.g. the need to be needed; the need to be desired; the need to be successful/fear of failure; fear of not being good enough). These needs or beliefs can influence behaviors in a way that it could be very easy to allow intruders in without even noticiing...
*Side note, while this post can be applied to romantic relationships, it can also be applied to other relationships as well! Consider the relationships that you say are important to you. :)
💥 Common “Intruders”
-Family members who disregard the couple’s space or privacy
-Friends who pull one partner into emotional loyalty conflicts
-Work or technology that consumes all available time and energy
-Past relationships or unresolved trauma that continue to shape reactions
-Addictions or unhealthy coping patterns that block emotional availability
Intruders show up in subtle ways too, like overcommitment, people-pleasing, or neglecting time for one another.
They can also be related to underlying needs or beliefs about oneself (e.g. the need to be needed or admired; not feeling good enough; fear of failure)--these can contribute to actions that one takes--extending extra time to others/activities, looking for admiration, overworking, etc)
🧭 Recognizing the Signs (it's a good idea to tune in--our bodies/minds/emotions have a great way of cluing us in that 'something's off'
When intruders are present, you may notice:
-growing resentment or exhaustion•
-decreased communication or intimacy
-a sense of competing loyalties
-difficulty making united decisions
These are signals that boundaries need strengthening and that further communication needs to take place. Being on the same team as opposed to working against each other is key. Getting an understanding of the underlying factors at play is huge in undertanding what's happening.
🌱 How to Address Intruders
- Name them: Identify what or who is intruding on the space meant for connection.
- Communicate openly: Use “I” statements to express how the intrusion impacts you. Also, be curious--ask about the underlying things at play; get to know the person's heart. To see and be seen is truly one of the greatest gifts! :)
- Set boundaries together: Boundaries work best when both partners agree on what feels safe and respectful. Remember, you're a team working together, not opponents! :)
- Create a shared vision: Decide what kind of emotional climate you want to protect. What do you want your relationship to look like?
- Follow through with consistency: Boundaries only hold power when they are reinforced through action
❤️ A Relationship Haven
Boundaries are not walls. Read that again....Boundaries are NOT walls. They are gates that protect love and allow connection to grow without intrusion. When both people take responsibility for their space and choices, the relationship becomes a safe zone rather than a war zone (and wars aren't always loud either...)
✨ Question to consider:
What “intruders” tend to challenge your sense of peace or connection?How can you protect your relationship while staying kind and grounded?
(Found the Boundaries book free online: https://jordanwiggins.org/wp-content/uploads/2025/04/boundaries-by-dr-henry-cloud-and-dr-john-townsend.pdf)
The PDF is a relationship inventory if you're interested-may try to find another version.
I like the video, buuuuuuut I do think that some of the things that he's talking about can actually be approached together as a couple so that it's not an intruder but rather an opportunity for connection.
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🚪 Intruders in Relationships: Protecting What’s Important
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