Back from holiday/ I'm looking at a slow calendar for the next few weeks. I love to work. I enjoy helping people with challenging problems- especially when I know it makes a difference. It's frustrating to feel like I'm in a position where there isn't an opportunity to do that. That's something I miss about being part of a bigger organisation - where there's always something going on.

I have a lot of people in my life, who are very close and not going anywhere soon, who unfortunately also consistently behave in a manner that leaves me feeling disheartened, upset, and demoralised about my own skills and capabilities. They wound me. And I am struggling to recognise where fault lies or action can be taken because I do not want to continue to be wounded and I do not want to make my life harder or smaller by pushing them away and out of it. But I am left again and again feeling alone, abandoned and ashamed of having tried to reach for the light and having striven to be seen and heard and felt and appreciated, only to be warned that I "probably wont succeed" or I "might get hurt in trying to". And I am so fed up with feeling sad and having my whole day derailed and my plans made a mess of by people I love showing their love by smothering my light. How do I stop this from happening? How do I protect myself from these woundings? How do I protect my energy and my peace and my drive to succeed?

I did it! I did the first week of work on this course and I am proud of myself for doing it. I am proud to say I know myself better as a result of doing it and that is why I am happy with the achievement. I have moved closer to the completion of the art project of 'being myself' or living my life truly and completely. And I am glad. As I moved through the exercises I gained more insight into where I am right now and what I am using to slow myself down or restrict my movement entirely, and why I need to let go of that and that I DESERVE to let go of that. I am travelling for the next two weeks so will pause here instead of trying to overload myself and then getting upset at failing, and come late February I will start month one's training module. In the meantime I will keep this space in mind to post check in's, ask for support and share how I am feeling. I am loving this community and these exercises and what they are giving me, thank you! 😁

I bought the video game!! And I splurged for the cooler newer version that was £25 and I am as happy as I was anytime I entered a candy shop as a child because I now reown my favourite game of all time on my laptop here in 2026! It was the right choice and the right way to spend that money because now whenever I am feeling the need to move some soldiers around on a little map I know that I have Rome Total War 2 basically in my pocket! :D And now onto the week of learning how to be a Knight of the Round Table! :D 👑⚔️👑⚔️👑⚔️

No not of forever or anything drastic like that, but of this week long run that I committed myself to in order to help step into this container and guide myself back to regularity and consistency in myself. So going forward I will check in here when I want to and when I need to, which I hope is with regularity. What have I learned in this week? Slow and steady makes the mustard. Consistency is King. Set small and gentle goals and meet them. It's not about achieving it all now, or even having it all done yesterday, its about enjoying and fully embodying this present moment, and trusting that in each moment I will choose to better myself or to push myself or to accept myself as is needed in each case. The courage and the COMPASSION to be wholly and completely myself. Without fear of not being on time or enough. This allows me to get out of my own way and succeed. This allows me to make goals and hit them without fearing the size of them or the consequences of success. So, I look forward to continuing this journey of self discovery and interpretation, of self love, acceptance and success. The journey continues.