Back from holiday/ I'm looking at a slow calendar for the next few weeks. I love to work. I enjoy helping people with challenging problems- especially when I know it makes a difference. It's frustrating to feel like I'm in a position where there isn't an opportunity to do that. That's something I miss about being part of a bigger organisation - where there's always something going on.

I have a lot of people in my life, who are very close and not going anywhere soon, who unfortunately also consistently behave in a manner that leaves me feeling disheartened, upset, and demoralised about my own skills and capabilities. They wound me. And I am struggling to recognise where fault lies or action can be taken because I do not want to continue to be wounded and I do not want to make my life harder or smaller by pushing them away and out of it. But I am left again and again feeling alone, abandoned and ashamed of having tried to reach for the light and having striven to be seen and heard and felt and appreciated, only to be warned that I "probably wont succeed" or I "might get hurt in trying to". And I am so fed up with feeling sad and having my whole day derailed and my plans made a mess of by people I love showing their love by smothering my light. How do I stop this from happening? How do I protect myself from these woundings? How do I protect my energy and my peace and my drive to succeed?

I did it! I did the first week of work on this course and I am proud of myself for doing it. I am proud to say I know myself better as a result of doing it and that is why I am happy with the achievement. I have moved closer to the completion of the art project of 'being myself' or living my life truly and completely. And I am glad. As I moved through the exercises I gained more insight into where I am right now and what I am using to slow myself down or restrict my movement entirely, and why I need to let go of that and that I DESERVE to let go of that. I am travelling for the next two weeks so will pause here instead of trying to overload myself and then getting upset at failing, and come late February I will start month one's training module. In the meantime I will keep this space in mind to post check in's, ask for support and share how I am feeling. I am loving this community and these exercises and what they are giving me, thank you! 😁

I am in a conundrum and a dilemma with myself, or parts of myself. I am trying to be more of an artist and less of a drone, and last week you saw me do lots of art as an act of service to myself. This week I am struggling to find a suitable activity or game to play that I will enjoy, that will be good for my soul / inner child and will be healthy for me. The current expression of that is a yes/no to purchasing a video game on my laptop. If I were in the UK I would have lots more of my stuff to play with and enjoy and explore and make use of without having to spend money to do so (I already own video games on a PS2 I love and have Warhammer minis to paint etc). But here in Italy where I am for the next three weeks I do not. So do I buy the game for £16 or do I tell myself to wait. Fear is standing in the way and fear says "you do not have an income, you cannot afford to buy a video game you might not use more than a few times. you must be frugal until you have an income" And fear is decidedly a BUMMER, but I cant seem to look past it and find a way to spend the money, nor can I find anything else to do that is free and enjoyable. I am stuck. Any advice?

I failed to check in yesterday after having said I would each day until the 25th. Why? Firstly the easy logistical answer is I forgot to add it to my physical written to do list. And I could say "I will remember to add it going forwards" but that would just paper over the crack. The deeper message here is that I was prioritising pleasing other people and getting their validation. I was worried about making sure my partner was okay and was not upset at me. I was worried about an MKP call happening later that evening that I wanted to be impressive at and was also afraid of attending. I let my desire to seek validation, fuelled by my belief that others can actually provide that validation get in my way and take me off mission for the day. And I felt that the whole way through. It is an old and well worn wound for me and one I know well and was conditioned into growing up. But it is also a wound that only I can heal now as an adult and one that I must heal in order to grow and progress. And I am hoping this is the year to do it. What can I do to serve myself instead? I can write. I can do my art-form today and give it 110% just like I wasn't going to until I wrote this. And in doing so I can show up for myself and not seek validation from outside, but inside me. And I can say no the next time someone or something tries to distract me from that. No matter how scary that feeling is.