Wyrd: Urðr (Past) · Impossible Performance

Nov 16 • General

Wyrd: Urðr (Past)

The woven web of fate. Underneath the Tree of Life, Yggdrasil; they remember the past, to weave the thread of the present, to present us a future for the choices we make.

The past, Urðr, is the sister of remembrance, and reminder, for previous deeds. She allows us to look upon the choices we have made in the past, good or bad, for what we can plan for the future.

Today, I want to focus on how we look upon the past. There is the perspective of looking upon our past with focus and precision, or a perspective of which we utilize foggy lenses and disdain. I have experience in the practice of both of these methods. And I am here to tell you, that the former vista is much more useful and practical. And this may not be a surprise to most, seems logical to not judge past actions with the executioners sharpest of blades. But I assume many still have, and I am one of them.

To elaborate, I have claimed the position of judge, jury and executioner for the place of mind I had found myself in many times, during my first upgrade in treatment. May 2022, I was alerted of a necessary increase in toxicity of chemo, due to the first attempt of treatment not being sufficient. This hurt me on a Marianas Trench level. And I remember deeply that moment; I was in a sushi restaurant on Michigan Avenue in Chicago with a very near and dear friend of mine. Thankfully I was not alone for this news. Because the next three and a half months were hell for me.

And as I look back onto the woven threads of my choices and mindset, sitting alone in a bedroom and feeling like a professional boxer was taking round-after-round punching me in the gut; that I have been extremely harsh in my retrospection towards Austin in those moments. For the wicked thoughts that coursed my mind, for the music choices of which only buried me deeper in depression and existentialism, and the lack of will to face a very difficult task. I carried the task of surviving a round of treatment, that was meant to destroy many things.

Now, I need to look upon that Austin with favour and compassion. For I was new to the game of cancer, and that I was not going to simply cruise through that time with ease. The Austin which composes this reflection that you are reading, is a remarkable and refreshing version of Austin to have been made from these times. And an Austin that would surely shock and surprise the young man suffering in that quiet and desolate room.

Do not look upon past moments with so much judgement and distaste. Be that person now, of which your past self needed in that darker time. And allow Urðr, Sister of the Past, to grace you with those woven webs, in a light of which you can learn from them.

Take Care,

Austin

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