What this boy is healing · High Vibe Tribe

What this boy is healing

Day 1 was great. Thank you Aaron!

This is me before my father died. He took his own life after bouts with bipolar depression before it was understood, and when mental illness was more stigmatized than today.

In order to cope with such a tragic loss, and find a new partner, my mother suppressed her emotions, including all the grief—and to maintain her love, I did the same.

The new guy she married was emotionally and verbally abusive to her and to me and my younger sister.

In order to survive, I disconnected from my self. I held my grief and my anger inside, and adopted a pattern of adapting myself to who others needed me to be that stayed with me into adulthood.

I built a career by making myself valuable and suppressing my authentic self—and it took me all the way to the top of my field.

But then I got fired, and it was the most devastating thing that ever happened to me (in my adult life).

Now I’m moving through the pain and the anger I didn’t know was inside of me, so that I can become my authentic self and create the life I came here to lead.

And it’s been the most difficult experience of my life.

My biggest takeaway from today was to practice seeing the pattern and accepting it, which just leads me to want to grieve for what that boy never got to experience and how much he suffered.

I have to manifest my first client for my new consulting practice and a check in the next 2 weeks, because I am running out of money, and so part of me is freaking the f- out and screaming at myself to hustle and make it happen. Screaming at myself about what a lazy useless poc I am. All the old patterns, which I sometimes have to work hard at being able to see.

But another part of me is telling me to keep healing the grief because on the other side of it I’ll know exactly what to do, and manifest my first client without hustling. That they’re already on their way to me.

I can see so clearly that the pattern is believing I have to adapt myself in order to get love (or money from a client). To get my needs met.

The terror is the feeling I felt as a kid that if I’m just myself and feel what I feel that I’ll be abandoned.

Again I’m trying to just be with this and place my faith in forces that my logical mind can’t understand.

And again, it’s one of the most difficult challenges of my life.

But through it I feel like I have the potential to transform in the ways I’ve always wanted to—into my authentic self.

So I’m healing the people pleaser. The kid who was focused on who he needed to be to get others to feel ok and maintain connection. And I’m working at accepting the deep grief that arises in that, which that younger version of me felt but couldn’t possibly process at that age.

At the moment, while I see the patterns, there is also so much pain and desperation. So much frustration and anger. But I’m choosing to trust in and commit to the process. This 3-day challenge came about at the perfect time for me, and I’m fully committed to this being the point in my life that I finally heal and step beyond the old story. Because I don’t need to carry that pain anymore and that beautiful little boy doesn’t deserve to suffer. I want to let him create the incredible life that he came here to create.

Thanks for reading my story. While I feel this deep desire for others to know my story, and to see me, I’m also practicing seeing myself and appreciating myself for what I’ve been through who I am and who I’m becoming.

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What this boy is healing