I want to scream but the words don't come out right... I want to be free from all of the ptsd but cant look for the right help I remember when my ex marquis had abused me that day was awful the pain I endured in it the way he stole stuff from me and the way he would scream and get in my face because I kicked him out of my apartment because he was having snarty marks about me and my life... I want to scream I want to cry because why did I deserve to be beaten by all of my exes why would they treat me so fucking bad it don't make sense.. I've been trying to put it together piece by piece... how a nice girl like me would let herself through every man just for that man to abuse and beat and kick her It don't make no sense it don't add up now I found me someone and I love him very much but I feel really insecure about what happened in the pasts...

"Breathe I'm not in love, it's just a game we do I tell myself I'm not that into you But I don't wanna sleep, it's quarter after three You're in my head like, breathe I'm not in love, it's just a game we do I tell myself I'm not that into you But I don't wanna sleep, it's quarter after three You're in my head like" When we argue its torture I remember all the bullshit you used to pull Just for me to go back home to my family I remember the wanting to kill myself and the endless sleepless nights All because I was deeply in love with you Even though we are getting married on your birthday next year I can't forget the road we've been down lots of arguing... lots of disagreements and disappointments I know you probably want to forget all those moments But those moments are what made us who we are today The endless sleepless nights because we were homeless The wanting to kill ourselves cause of stress and other people Other people going after us because they couldn't understand Why we were together... I remember when we were in west Virginia and one of your friends Assaulted you and you had said to let it slide I said you should've gone to the police... But you said you wanted to be the bigger person and let it slide I know you remember when we were in a hotel with your fake family and they used to abuse us and leave bruises on us because they wanted to kidnap us because they were twisted We still have yet to forgive them for it But we probably won't considering they haven't changed... Now that we are heading to your dad's house In a better less stressful environment I hope we can start a family And have a wedding two weddings on in Indiana and one in PA I love you Alex

How can i cope with all this pain How can i begin to process what i did to you clearly i was being a fool i know i hurt you bad i know you are questioning on whether you should leave me i became a monster i became someone who i wished not to be you didnt deserve that at all i wish i can patch it all up make it feel better i love you i didnt want to hurt you i promise