This One Shift Changed How I Lead, Love, and Handle Conflict

Bill Widmer

Feb 4 • 💬 Chat

In my opinion, being a leader means taking ownership.

And I used to think I was really good at this...

Until I realized how 𝗺𝘆 𝗹𝗮𝗻𝗴𝘂𝗮𝗴𝗲 𝘀𝘂𝗯𝘁𝗹𝘆 𝗿𝘂𝗽𝘁𝘂𝗿𝗲𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗵𝗶𝗽𝘀, rather than bringing us closer together.

In the past, I used to speak in "you" centered language.

💔 “You need meetings too often."

💔 “You don't care enough.”

💔 "You're not showing up the right way."

Feelings would be hurt, I'd be misunderstood, and we'd both get defensive.

So nothing got resolved.

Now, I try to 𝘀𝗹𝗼𝘄 𝗺𝘆𝘀𝗲𝗹𝗳 𝗱𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗼𝘄𝗻 𝘄𝗵𝗮𝘁’𝘀 𝗵𝗮𝗽𝗽𝗲𝗻𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗶𝗻 𝙢𝙚.

✅ “I’m feeling anxious because I don’t know what to expect.”

✅ “I’m realizing I need more clarity around timelines.”

✅ “I’m feeling disconnected, and I want us to get back on the same page.”

Same situation. Same underlying issue. Completely different outcome.

I’ve noticed this everywhere in my life:

💔 Instead of “𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘮𝘦,”

✅ → “𝗜’𝗺 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗱𝗶𝘀𝗰𝗼𝗻𝗻𝗲𝗰𝘁𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗺𝗶𝘀𝘀 𝘆𝗼𝘂.”

💔 Instead of “𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘶𝘵,”

✅ → “𝗜’𝗺 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗼𝘃𝗲𝗿𝘄𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗺𝗲𝗱 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝗮 𝗺𝗼𝗺𝗲𝗻𝘁 𝘁𝗼 𝗿𝗲𝗴𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲.”

💔 Instead of “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘱𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘥𝘢𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴,”

✅ → “𝗜 𝗱𝗶𝗱𝗻’𝘁 𝗰𝗹𝗲𝗮𝗿𝗹𝘆 𝗰𝗼𝗺𝗺𝘂𝗻𝗶𝗰𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗯𝗼𝘂𝗻𝗱𝗮𝗿𝘆, 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗜 𝗻𝗲𝗲𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗱𝗼 𝘁𝗵𝗮𝘁 𝗻𝗼𝘄.”

This shift did two big things for me:

1️⃣ It forced me to actually understand what 𝘐 was feeling instead of outsourcing blame.

2️⃣ It made it way easier for the other person to hear me without feeling attacked.

Owning my experience doesn’t mean I never address hard things. It means I address them without making someone else the villain.

And honestly?

That one skill alone has upgraded my relationships, my leadership, and my inner peace more than almost anything else I’ve practiced.

Curious if you’ve noticed this in your own life? Or if this is something you want to work on, too?

🪞 I catch myself using “you” language a lot

🌱 I’m actively practicing “I” statements

😬 I know this… and still forget in the moment

🤯 Oof. This called me out

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37 comments

This One Shift Changed How I Lead, Love, and Handle Conflict

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