In the Right/Wrong Game, Everyone Loses

Josée LaRoche

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4h • General Discussion

I was talking to my neighbor yesterday, and she asked me:

“How do I know if I’m the problem in my relationship… or if he is?”

She was exhausted. Confused. She wanted clarity. A diagnosis. Someone to finally say: It’s you. Or: It’s him.

I told her, “You probably won’t like my answer.”

Then I said:

Everything that hurts inside you is yours.

That doesn’t mean his behavior is always acceptable. It doesn’t mean he isn’t defensive, blaming, distant, or manipulative. It doesn’t mean you’re imagining things.

What I’m really saying is that the pain activated in you belongs to your nervous system, your history, your unmet needs, your self-abandonment.

When he withdraws, what happens inside you?
When he blames, what do you feel?
When he shuts down, do you collapse? Attack? Over-explain? Comply?

That part is yours.

Relationships are systems.Two nervous systems dancing with each other’s wounds. Trying to figure out “who has the problem” keeps you focused outward. Healing begins the moment you turn inward: