Does surrendering also mean to stop managing/monitoring others’ perception of me? Even family and close friends? I think if I stop trying, I will become less nice and polite. I like the idea of this anyway, but essentially you have to be okay with being all on your own (I know I won’t be, but still, it’s a fear).

Can someone try explaining surrendering/letting go in a way that just breaks it all the way down? I read books and hear people talking about it, and every time I sense that I’m starting to surrender, I eventually realize I’m not fully surrendered at all. Perhaps more surrendered than previously, but I keep getting stuck in thoughts that judge my reality in negative ways. I’ve also chosen solitude heavily this last year, as I feel I’m not ready for society anymore. I tell myself I’ll go back to societal ways when I’m in a state of love and abundance, which I get the taste of in very short doses from time to time. Then I think to myself that I’m attached to being surrendered, as I don’t want to live externally until I feel a certain way, which seems counter-intuitive to surrendering. It’s really hard for me to heal when I’m always with people, as I’m way more relaxed by myself. Then again I crave human connection.

Hi my name is zümra. Currently in my life I quit antidepressants and the anger that was dumbed by over 2 years just came back I get angry and sad very quick i realized that i’m not calm at all and my nervous system is absouletly cooked. My therapist once said that i have similar patterns with borderlines. Then she just stopped seeing me. I got dissappointed several times from friends lovers and therapists but i still trust and rely on people very easily and get manipulated. Sometimes i think that there is something wrong with me that everyone can see but me. And i think thats why they always get away from me. I dont have any friends and ı dont know how to get one without making myself smaller than i am. I always get rejected by people. And if i dont go talk with them nobody comes and talks to me and when they do that ı get nervous and fck it up. ı ve been trying to build confidence but still people dont come near me. I dont attract but push people away. Its my beliefes and childhood patterns that ruins me. ı just feel hopeles.

I feel the more conscious and aware I am, the more socially anxious and tense I tend to get. Also, it comes in waves, like a few weeks/months at a time. Then I feel peace and bliss after for a period of time. And then it recycles. I suppose I feel better and better after each downtime. Any explanations for this?