Assalamu'alaikum, How do sisters navigate the search for marriage in a society that often feels focused on outward appearance? Context - I have been trying to find a spouse via an app which I downloaded a month ago. I am new to the process, but I’ve found it difficult because I wear full hijab and don’t wear makeup at all due to religion, and most women on the apps which I'm using do. As a result it has been quite discouraging, not necessarily the feeling of rejection but the realisation of how superficial society has become. My profile is well-written and has attracted many potentials. In 1 month, I have had ~30 requests, which is about 1 a day. A significant number are even willing to speak with my father as my wali from the very beginning, which I find very promising. Men are generally comfortable talking, but when it comes to exchanging pictures, they often become hesitant when my image lacks makeup, the trendy "Instagram" aesthetic, or a modern hijabi style, which then leads them to state that I am not their type and we should no longer continue. I will never change myself or compromise my Islamic values for the sake of these expectations. Many sisters I know have told me that it truly is a test of today's time. I have now decided to transition away from the app and start focusing on in-person searching. By doing so, I am hoping they will see me for who I truly am from the very beginning. This way, they’ll get to know the real me, and ultimately, the impression won’t be based solely on a picture.

Asalamu Alaikom sisters, Are these red flags? You have had a few conversations with a potential marriage candidate. From the conversations, it appears that he considers it important for a woman to work, whereas I do want to work, but mainly as a pastime, and I believe it is the man's duty to contribute financially. I also notice that his words are not always consistent; I could call it lying. Can you advise me? Should I continue with the person? After all, you can never find the perfect man, and we all have shortcomings.

Is it a red flag if a guy smokes a lot because his job stresses him out ? Also if you ask a guy what he's looking for in a spouse and he basically says he doesn't have any specifications except that he wants someone that will live on the same property as his mother and that he prefers his wife doesn't work. Is this something to be concerned about? Also when I asked him if he had any questions to ask me during our first conversation he said he didn't have a checklist and just wanted to have a conversation. When he said this I felt embarrassed that I had a checklist. Are these feelings valid?

Sallams, my name is Gwen, I’m 28 from the United States. My parents are reverts who converted when I was a toddler, so I consider myself basically born Muslim as it is all I have ever known. I would consider myself a practicing Muslim. Keep my obligations and Sunnah fasts and prayers on a weekly/daily basis. Keep a relationship with the Quran, etc. For the last few years, I have been teaching at an Islamic school and really am either home or at the Masjid. I come from a very small community and have never even had a potential until two months ago. He was introduced to my dad by a family friend. I have had one video call and two regular calls through my father’s phone. We seem to be very similar in terms of superficial things. Hobbies, interests, dispositions, etc. and though I was nervous on the first video call, the two subsequent calls I have felt pretty comfortable, considering I am not really a phone call person and do not have conversations with random men it seemed like a positive thing. The biggest “issue” I see is that I am someone who considers themselves simply Muslim. I try to follow the tenets of the religion and follow the Quran and the Sunnah to the best of my ability. He, on the other hand, is very much a Salafi and I am second-guessing whether this can even work. I have made istikhara since day one and one of the biggest reasons I have continued to move forward is that, exactly a week before my dad presented this potential, I have started reciting istighfar 1000 times a day. I had been scrolling on YouTube and kept seeing videos of how istighfar changed people’s life. Wanting a positive change in my left, I thought why not. When my dad introduced this man a week to the day later, it definitely felt in some ways like fate, but the difference is ideologies is what’s giving me pause. I feel like if I go through with it I might lose of part of myself religiously, despite seeming to really connect in other ways.

Not every past defines your future. One sister shared, “I thought my background would hold me back.” The right man won’t use your past against you.. he’ll honor your growth. What Allah has written for you will not miss you. Do you ever struggle with feeling “not enough”? 🤍