What’s your win from this week? What made you feel grateful, or what’s a funny story that made you laugh out loud?

Been sitting on this post for a few hours. During yesterday's call about loneliness, I was pretty quiet, partially because I was late, but I also didn't really know how to articulate what I've been dealing with without oversharing and feeling like I'm a weirdo. But I think the next part of my healing is sharing everything without censoring myself or apologizing for it. I don't want to do it, but I think that's the only thing i haven't done yet. I haven't even told my best friends everything because of an irrational fear that they'll leave. Trigger warning: sexual and psychological abuse. Self-harm/substance use. Suicide mention Pretty standard, parents divorced and I blamed myself after hearing my parents fight over how they were raising me. Dad is anger driven and authoritative and demanded respect and submission (i attribute part of that to his job as a cop). Mom was mostly rational and explained things. He moved out into an apartment, kind of on a sublevel. My brother and I made a friend in the complex and we hung out through the summer. During that summer, he introduced me to sex and showed me how to suck and fuck. That was when I knew I was gay. I vividly remember that most of the times happened outside in the landscaping in front of/next to my dad's window and next to a busy road, but the one that has been plaguing me is when the friend was at my dad's apartment and dared me to give him a secret bj in the living room behind one of these giant speakers while my dad was on the other side folding laundry. Did it and never got caught. This was like a 4-6 week ordeal. Fast forward a few years, my friends started getting curious and we'd experiment with each other. Dad caught my best friend and I playing Truth or Dare; got way out of hand. He freaked out so bad I don't even remember half of what he yelled, but I remember thinking "this isn't the first time he's reacted like this to something small so I'll just shut up and nod and get it over with." Then, my brother started asking me about sex when I was about 10-12ish and I kept telling him he needed to talk to mom or dad about it. We were home alone and he kept pushing and pushing, and I eventually caved, explained oral sex and showed how it works. It immediately got weird and we both felt really awkward and gross about it, so we agreed to never say anything because we both knew it was weird and wrong and didn't want to do it ever again.

This video came into my awareness as a young 20 year old something and it was deeply touching. Check your self before you wreck yourself was a phrase that took on a whole new way of relating to it after hearing the words she said.

Topic: internalized Homophobia (I might record that one) Who’s joining? ☺️

Who’s joining? Topic: loneliness and belonging