Using my breathing exercises at work...in front of my students!! WHO KNEW?? It was great because work has been overwhelming and I keep trying to pick up that role of being the strong one and decided that day, I was just going to be "safe", grounded and peaceful and nothing more, until I was ready to be anything or anybody else.. not teacher, not co-worker, not mentor, not therapist, not tired...JUST ME!

This was sooo many. One small thing I can commit to is keeping my bedtime commitment to 9:30 pm. I stay at work late to get things done and am too tired to do things for myself. So I decided that no matter what I would wind down by 9 and sleep by 9:30-9:45 pm.

I resonated most with the strong one often feeling secretly resentful and exhausted, the person everyone leaned on because I leaned in often. I still struggle with asking for help, and would rather do it myself. That could be partly out of fear of people letting me down, or not showing up as well as a sense of obligation that I DIDN’T need to pay it back, or maybe I should🤪. Often felt bad, if I said no, as if the world was going to stop if I did lol! I was also the people pleaser or maybe that’s the same as the strong one. The patterns I took on as a child to feel: safer, more control, less helpless, compliant and cooperative) This role of the strong one showed up EVERYWHERE: At church I was asked to sing, pray, teach, attend functions; at work I was forming a new club, planning a 6th grade trip to NY while just returning back from surgery on a scooter, doing home instruction, being emotional support for co workers, staying late, attending students plays, games, activities, volunteering for variety of events, mind you I lived 40 minute ride from work, at home just being available to get Kendall to where he needed with one car, often changing or canceling my appointments or packing everything in to make it all work, picking my daughter up from the train station when she traveled in from the city, dropping her back off, being the sole caregiver for my mom, despite having two brothers and one who lives 9 minutes from her, in past relationship being he fixer of “projects” instead of sharing a partner, doing everything for them and expecting little in return (fake modesty because I deserved so much more, but settled). So these roles are like cancer, at times they are never relegated to one part of your life but can quickly spread to other parts like wildfire and before you know it, it CONSUMES YOU!! I do recognize that this role is costing me now. In the last year, I have been sick for great lengths of time because I refused to listen to my body and pushed it beyond its limits even recently with COVID. Your body talks to you, and we have to listen. Sometimes it whispers, sometimes it screams, but it does speak and one way or another. You will hear it!

I have underestimated the power of my breath. Its power to calm, soothe, free, protect and ground. I have always known about breathing exercises and its benefits, especially as a singer. However, knowledge is not power until you APPLY it. I have found the breathing as a quick “go to” when I am triggered or prompted to return to old habits. I even did it today in front of my students who were being challenging today more than usual. They stopped and looked at me, without me even saying a word, laughed and then went silent. After I had done my 4 short breaths, I continued where I had left off before I lost their attention. The remainder of the class was not much better, but they did calm themselves to get back on task. BUT I became better at dealing with the challenging behavior of my students. So breathe, it’s different, but in healing you want to at least TRY the tools in your toolbox before you say it doesn’t work. I still have more practice with it, but I must say I do go for it first in my tool box, where normally I would take a walk away from the situation. The breathing let me stay right in the thick of it and STILL FEEL SAFE AND GROUNDED AND CONTROLLED. Thank you, Legacy Rewritten. How are you all making out with some of the gorunding, tiny take-aways?

Relationships must be built on reciprocity not obligation-Carl Jung I am realizing that: I do not need to earn love I do not need to manage the emotions of others I do not need to sacrifice myself to maintain harmony I do not need to be the torch bearer for the entire world. I just need to be everything God called me to be. SO I say yes to me, to my healing and to my legacy being rewritten now and for generations to come