This really resonates. I'm caring for my 87-year-old grandma with dementia right now, and I've been learning this in real time. I used to think honesty was always the right answer, but watching her ask the same painful questions repeatedly made me realize that my need to be 'truthful' was causing her unnecessary suffering. Recently I noticed she was declining, not medically, but from lack of stimulation. She was saying things like 'I don't think I'll be here very long.' So I started a new protocol: twice a week, we get her dressed up, do her hair, and take her somewhere. Restaurant, park, anywhere that gives her dignity and connection. The shift has been immediate. Not because I'm lying to her, but because I'm meeting her where she is instead of forcing her into my reality. Your example about your great-grandma is so powerful. The question 'does this bring comfort or cause harm?' is exactly right. I catch myself like a broken record reassuring her that the question is not important and the her only job is to not worry and enjoy life, because she did enough worrying in the earlier part of life and I "got her" and "will continue caring for her so she doesn't have to worry about the details" - that sometimes helps the situation. I also use a dry erase board with incremental notes throughout the day (although not sure if she bothers to read them)... it makes me feel less guilty when I have to hunker down and work or she's sleeping when I had time to visit with her. For me, it's about managing her anxiety, moods and boredom so she's too engaged to stop and reflect on the missing information that was 'just there' as a neurodivergent I know the pain of that all too well. Thank you for creating space to talk about this. It's something a lot of us are navigating without much guidance.

@Elle Moores Donaldson I just feel like people that caregiver for this don't have any real support. I feel like the mental health industry just writes them off and I think in future generations we're gonna look back at how industrial medicine in psychology was so barbaric to this particular population.... So occasionally, I get a little riled up as you can imagine about the whole situation. I literally engineered my lifestyle, my career, and everything that I do around being able to take care of my daughter, full-time not even realizing that my grandmother was about to go south and I'm lucky that I was able to close the gap for both of them and it was even better when they were on the same nap schedule, but I'm still managing somehow. lol. I love what you're doing here with this community because so many people need someplace to land with this kind of stress nobody else understands it. It eats you up on so many levels. You know you miss the person they used to be and it throws your emotions up and down when they come back and go away and then you worry about them so much. I've had two ER visits over the past year from Falls and now I'm having to play the bad guy with physical therapy because insurance doesn't cover real physical therapy and I've had to figure that out. It's all by myself in addition to being a caretaker and handling all the normal things that One would do so that she keeps her dignity and then the government doesn't even or at least the state of Texas I should say doesn't acknowledge what I'm doing is an actual job for her, so as a self-employed individual there's not much that I can do to get additional assistance at the house for her, so I end up having to do it all and I don't know how I've managed so far but I wish I could just one day a week have somebody else help with the social aspect of her lifestyle because I don't mind all the other stuff really at all, but I can't go to the community center and let her hang out with the seniors and do bingo and then volunteer at the food pantry. That's attached to that building because if she doesn't see me, she freaks out so there is no multitasking you know?