Hi everyone. I’m new here and very grateful to be part of this group. There have already been quite a few tears on my end. For the first time in a long time, I feel hope that my relationship with my youngest daughter might be restored. She is married with three young children of her own. I’m working through the modules, and the journaling has been deeply therapeutic. Seeing my journey since the divorce written out has helped me view it through a different lens — not as the “terrible mom” I believed myself to be for years, but as someone who was in survival mode, as Catherine describes. This process is also helping me see things about myself that I never fully understood before. For the first time in a long time, I feel hopeful, and I’m grateful to be walking this path with all of you.

Very effective method! I kept quiet and counted like this i don’t know how many times but her first sentence triggered it and i kept going in order to remain calm and not lose my cool. My entire life I saw parents get upset, explode and i admit I learned to do the same thing. I am a reactor! 👎Is my bad habit broken… well, maybe not yet, but I learned that if you really focus and work on it, we can remain calm. Sacred stillness! I have so much hope that I can finally gain control over my mouth when tensions run high! I DID IT!!!!!! YaY! We had our big “meeting” with son # 2 and his girlfriend so we could try to reconcile and be allowed to see our granddaughter, almost 3 months old now. Mission accomplished! PHEW! I was asked to start, which was the hardest part to apologize but Catherine was right…it did not kill me. Stung (made me a lot a sick to my stomach) but, hubby stepped in and helped me a little, thank goodness. Then it was her turn and she asked that i do not interrupt her. “Pausing sounds a lot like listening” - i think those are your exact words Catherine - and it sure does. Wow! I tried to dig for empathy …(my kids say my disgust often shows on my face - Catherine said watch for tone and body language) It all sounded all very self-centered (especially since i did not share my side) in the moment, but her pain was very evident. Their pain being described in great detail. I ruined the end of her pregnancy and the first months of having her first baby. I felt slammed with guilt and had to really process this all afterwards. I think i let myself feel badly….i accept that i played a part in it…. i felt badly for a day or two and now i am done and moving on. Catherine taught me this too! I actually said more than i intended (goal was go listen pause and make peace ) some thoughts were less eloquently said than i wish but i walked away content that i shared three important things. One that I too suffered and woke up every night with her “you are not welcome in our house or child’s life” statement in her email all while caregiving for my mom. That’s all i chose to share, but i needed to say that out loud too! Second, that since we are all adults and they want our respect they should remember that we would like that too. We felt they did not respect our boundaries when asked to email the rules in lieu of insisting and forcing coming to our house when i clearly was not up for it all. My son admitted it would not have gone over well in writing. I did not reply. But, Hmmmm….. i think he knows deep down why….but i left it alone. I spoke LESS…. this is a first…. and it was better actually!!! Pausing - what a beautiful thing!

Catherine, I like when you ask us questions to journal later and have especially appreciated these: 1, "Do I know the difference between being loved and valued? What do each look like? Do I value myself? Do I love myself?" (I can't give away what I don't have.) "How do I demonstrate value to others?" 2. Paying attention to my "shoulds", make a list of them. Which ones trigger emotions? 3. "What do I need to do to release being right/feeling guilty/being defensive?" I can give myself 24 hours to beat myself up, but then ask myself, "What have I learned? What do I need to do?", and put it to bed. 4. There are only two reasons to look back: to recognize blessings or to ask, "What did I learn? and "How can I create a practice of forgiving myself?".

Catherine, I appreciated your opening comments yesterday about "over-functioning vs under-functioning" in a marriage. It was a light bulb moment for me. I saw how I survived my husband's 25 year chronic illness by over-functioning and how that became an example to my children who are now adults. They experienced this as normal for most of their lives. Light bulb moments are such an opportunity for healing. Now that my husband is getting well, and you explained this way of survival, I just can't un-see what you described. Seeing this truth is more than a breath of fresh air, it's freedom.

It is very easy for us to lose sight on what really matters. One of the challenges for us is the familiarity we have with each other. It is easy to take things for granted - habits, traditions, beliefs, etc. - because we have history. You often see that when a child marries or dates someone who sees things through a totally different lens. It is only then that we realize that "our normal" may not be everyone else's normal. The focus we need to prioritize is the relationship and not the issues that so often divide us. In a world of differences, it is easy for people to perceive them as a threat instead of an opportunity. We may not understand how our children shifted or switched in their thinking or beliefs and I know that is challenging on many levels. However, the question is this: Can you love your children whether you understand them or not? I can tell you that your kids know the depth of your love and acceptance so it is important for you to be honest with yourself first before you try to convince them that above all they matter most. We don't have to agree with their thinking to love them. What we do need to recognize is the importance of being laser focused that we love them purely because they are worthy of it. When they were little they would walk in the room and we would smile simply because they existed. Is that how you love your adult children today? Think about it.