This is fascinating! So many members are clustered together... that's really nice. Good to know where everyone comes from, and two from out-of-the-country! So nice to see everyone!

Catherine, I appreciated your opening comments yesterday about "over-functioning vs under-functioning" in a marriage. It was a light bulb moment for me. I saw how I survived my husband's 25 year chronic illness by over-functioning and how that became an example to my children who are now adults. They experienced this as normal for most of their lives. Light bulb moments are such an opportunity for healing. Now that my husband is getting well, and you explained this way of survival, I just can't un-see what you described. Seeing this truth is more than a breath of fresh air, it's freedom.

Catherine, I like when you ask us questions to journal later and have especially appreciated these: 1, "Do I know the difference between being loved and valued? What do each look like? Do I value myself? Do I love myself?" (I can't give away what I don't have.) "How do I demonstrate value to others?" 2. Paying attention to my "shoulds", make a list of them. Which ones trigger emotions? 3. "What do I need to do to release being right/feeling guilty/being defensive?" I can give myself 24 hours to beat myself up, but then ask myself, "What have I learned? What do I need to do?", and put it to bed. 4. There are only two reasons to look back: to recognize blessings or to ask, "What did I learn? and "How can I create a practice of forgiving myself?".

Very effective method! I kept quiet and counted like this i don’t know how many times but her first sentence triggered it and i kept going in order to remain calm and not lose my cool. My entire life I saw parents get upset, explode and i admit I learned to do the same thing. I am a reactor! 👎Is my bad habit broken… well, maybe not yet, but I learned that if you really focus and work on it, we can remain calm. Sacred stillness! I have so much hope that I can finally gain control over my mouth when tensions run high! I DID IT!!!!!! YaY! We had our big “meeting” with son # 2 and his girlfriend so we could try to reconcile and be allowed to see our granddaughter, almost 3 months old now. Mission accomplished! PHEW! I was asked to start, which was the hardest part to apologize but Catherine was right…it did not kill me. Stung (made me a lot a sick to my stomach) but, hubby stepped in and helped me a little, thank goodness. Then it was her turn and she asked that i do not interrupt her. “Pausing sounds a lot like listening” - i think those are your exact words Catherine - and it sure does. Wow! I tried to dig for empathy …(my kids say my disgust often shows on my face - Catherine said watch for tone and body language) It all sounded all very self-centered (especially since i did not share my side) in the moment, but her pain was very evident. Their pain being described in great detail. I ruined the end of her pregnancy and the first months of having her first baby. I felt slammed with guilt and had to really process this all afterwards. I think i let myself feel badly….i accept that i played a part in it…. i felt badly for a day or two and now i am done and moving on. Catherine taught me this too! I actually said more than i intended (goal was go listen pause and make peace ) some thoughts were less eloquently said than i wish but i walked away content that i shared three important things. One that I too suffered and woke up every night with her “you are not welcome in our house or child’s life” statement in her email all while caregiving for my mom. That’s all i chose to share, but i needed to say that out loud too! Second, that since we are all adults and they want our respect they should remember that we would like that too. We felt they did not respect our boundaries when asked to email the rules in lieu of insisting and forcing coming to our house when i clearly was not up for it all. My son admitted it would not have gone over well in writing. I did not reply. But, Hmmmm….. i think he knows deep down why….but i left it alone. I spoke LESS…. this is a first…. and it was better actually!!! Pausing - what a beautiful thing!

The filter by which we view life is key to what we get out of ours. Attitude is key when we are committed to making change. Your presence in this group is a confirmation that you have a measure of hope in your mindset. However, I want to challenge you. I want you to do a self-check and ask this question: How do I handle conflict and change mentally? If you were to rate yourself on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being awful and 10 being fantastic, how would you score yourself? First of all, there is no judgment on this. Self-awareness is important and this question is an opportunity for you to see where you stand. Secondly, having a baseline helps us know where we are and provides direction on where we want to grow. Last and most important, we get what we look for. Many times we play out all the scenarios of "what could be" in order to mentally prepare for the worst. If we can focus on staying present in the day instead of writing the last chapter of our story, we will be more likely to have better results in whatever we choose to do. We cannot control what happens to us but we can choose to decide how we will approach the issues we do encounter. What about you? What is your current mindset? What if any changes do you think you need to make?