Yvonne Crazy Adventure- November 9 - Vulnerability

Morning thoughts – Vulnerability

Vulnerability is something I’ve struggled with my entire life. I have always been so afraid of judgment, other people‘s opinions, not being perfect, doing it wrong…

Without vulnerability, it’s impossible to be authentic.

When we are afraid of judgment, it’s because we are following societal norms because we want to belong. Belonging is a basic emotional need as it was survival to fit in and not be ejected from our tribe.

If you watch little kids, they sing and dance their hearts out - they just are. It’s only when someone tells them something negative that the seed is planted - that they’re not good enough, not smart enough, or that they simply can’t do something for one reason or another.

As soon as we are born, we’re put into a box. And that box has rules determined by our country, our culture, our family – and everything they represent.

I often wonder how my life would have been had I been born into a different family, or in a different country. But then I also believe we choose our family when we come to earth. They are here to help us grow.

I remember in grade 8 I wanted to learn how to play the drums. I brought a practice drum home from school and immediately sarcastic comments were being made towards me, before I so much as tried it. The result - I decided not to join the band option at school. I’ve also never touched a drum stick since. To this day I tell myself that I would not have been able to play the drums because I’m tone deaf. I don’t even know if I’m tone deaf because I’ve never focussed on trying to play an instrument.

In grade 5, the music teacher was forming a choir, and my friend asked me to try out with her. She sang in church all the time - I never had. I didn’t make the choir, not because anyone told me directly that my voice wasn’t good enough, but because the teacher simply chose certain students - no different than trying out for a sports team - there are more students trying out than positions available. Still, I told myself I wasn’t any good and couldn’t sing. Since then, I don’t sing. I even try to avoid singing the national anthem at sporting events or “Happy Birthday” at parties, afraid people will think my voice sounds terrible. Thankfully, I am slowly getting over that.

People, especially my family, have always told me I talk too much. Ironically, it was just a trauma response from not feeling heard. It was surface level talk to fill the silence. Only recently have I felt that I have something meaningful to say.

On a side note, I’ve always hated my voice and it made me hesitant to public speak. But over the past couple of weeks, my perspective has shifted. I’ve realized that my voice is unique - people recognize it instantly, and that’s something special. Instead of criticizing it or wishing it were different, I’m choosing to embrace it as uniquely mine. In fact, I’ve added “take voice lessons and learn to sing” to my bucket list. For me, this is about embracing my voice - not hiding or trying to change it.

We are most vulnerable when we want to express ourselves. I’ve been shut down so many times in life that I started building walls up long before I met and married my ex. These walls were not only up since I was a small child, but in a past life regression they were up then as well. I was so busy trying to protect my heart, that I never let my heart feel.

When Brené Brown said on a podcast (Diary of a CEO) that expressing joy is the highest form of vulnerability, so much suddenly made sense. You can see the joy in people when they are expressing themselves through dance and music and special gifts they have – when they’re lost in their task and in their flow. They are just present in the moment and letting all their surroundings in. Think of being at a music concert, where the vibration is high and you feel everything through your body, like your heart is spreading throughout yourself.

There’s also the vulnerability around how we see ourselves - the way we pick apart our bodies and every little feature. We focus on our flaws instead of seeing the whole package. Yet, we would never talk to a friend the way we speak to ourselves. We wouldn’t point out any of their flaws, because we see them as the beautiful person they are.

This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t want to look our best or maintain a healthy body. But I couldn’t care less if a friend gained or lost ten pounds. I probably wouldn’t even notice unless they told me they were working on it and kept me updated. What we do notice about our friends is when they’re having a rough day, when they’re glowing with joy, or when they just need someone to be there for them. It’s more about a heart connection, and that requires vulnerability.

Being afraid to be vulnerable has been my struggle in every single relationship I’ve had with men. To protect myself from getting hurt, I never spoke up, gave my opinion, allowed myself to feel joy. I was never able to express that to them either. As a result, I chose partners who were also not good at expressing themselves. There was no communication or intimacy because I was not willing to let my heart go there. I can’t even say that it stopped, because I never let it in in the first place.

Trying to protect myself is what caused me to get hurt.

This was a huge lesson I learned. I will not be able to be successful in a partnership if I do not make the decision that I am willing to be vulnerable. In my next relationship - because now I’m confident there will be a next one as I have no longer sworn off men for the rest of my life – I will be very open about my struggle with vulnerability. And together, we will figure vulnerability out. Brené Brown says it helps to alternate trust with vulnerability, and that makes perfect sense. You can’t just blurt out something major, and not expect the other person to be overwhelmed. It does have to build with time. But what I will be open and honest about is that I struggle with vulnerability and I might need some encouragement if I start to shut down. However, I think the only way I will have a successful relationship is if I feel completely safe with my partner.

I am now aware this is what I’m doing – building walls to keep me in more than building walls to keep people out - walls of protection because I am afraid to be vulnerable, judged and get hurt or betrayed. Everything starts with awareness, and I did not understand this before. Now that I am aware, I will be choosing to let my voice be heard in a relationship. I will be choosing to dance. I will be choosing to sing. I will be choosing to speak up.

Being vulnerable is absolutely necessary in order for me to be authentic. And this is the time in my life where I have chosen authenticity as one of my top three values. I am going to have to tear down the walls around me - this Adventure Series is my practice place. I might not be able to do it all at once, but I’m hanging out with the people where I feel safe, my soul family. There are people I will never be vulnerable in front of – think family, because it’s just where a lot of the trauma starts.

At the same time. I remember hearing that you know you’ve truly healed when you can go back to where the trauma started and not be triggered. It’s just not where you do the healing. So instead of saying, never, I am going to say when I am ready, I will.

Simon Sinek said we can more easily find friends to share sorrow with in a hard time, but there’s going to be less friends you can share your joyful celebration and great times with. I had never thought about this before. When we’re going through a hard time, we’re more likely to be vulnerable and ask for support. When we succeed at something, often we don’t celebrate ourselves or share. It’s so important to celebrate our wins.

Being vulnerable is one of the most challenging things I’m facing. That’s why I’m doing these posts in this community where it is a safe space. What I hope for is by sharing these moments of trials and triumphs I’m going through, is that people don’t feel alone, and people are willing to share their trials and triumphs as well. Think of it as a “practice area” to be vulnerable.

Morning thoughts complete…

Today was a day spent at the rec centre working on my projects. Overall, a good day.

I did decide something crazy today. I decided that my Crazy Adventures series would be written by me with no ChatGPT interference. They are straight from my heart. My morning thoughts roll out of my head first thing in the morning. I simply dictate them into my phone into a Google document, and then I edit it before posting.

7 comments