Day 8: Feeling Behind and Ahead All at Once · Women's Empowerment Community

Day 8: Feeling Behind and Ahead All at Once

Today is a day of mixed emotions, and the day is just beginning. I got out of a bed that’s in an otherwise completely empty bedroom, and went downstairs to a disaster of a living room. This kind of represents my headspace right now.

We win some. We lose some.

Some parts of my life are clear, and completely figured out. Others are still a work in progress.

In the process of working through the physical clutter, the emotional clutter has definitely come to the surface. Because I am having to deal with each and every one of my possessions, every emotional stone has to be turned over. I cannot hide from any of it. The days of tossing it in a closet or the garage are no longer here to protect my ego. There is no more out of sight out of mind.

The connection between my emotions and my clutter has been eye-opening. It kind of makes me wish I had decluttered years ago, but I also understand I was not ready to. If I was, I would’ve done it already. Sometimes we are forced to face things, we would otherwise sweep under the rug.

I am making a lot of breakthroughs - both physical and mental. The three bedrooms are completely empty, the storage locker is only half full right now, the garage has a decently clear path, and it’s getting easier to make decisions about what to get rid of.

Mostly, I’m feeling ahead in the headspace stuff. And that’s the hardest part. It’s one thing to have clutter, it’s another knowing why you have clutter and then getting rid of it.

Today, I’m going to work on both. I’m down to my last full week, so I need to just get to it. As the physical clutter clears, I definitely notice a shift in the energy of my space and calmness in my brain. Focussing on how the cleared space makes me feel, will help me get through this next week.

We win some. We lose some.

I had some great wins today. I have gone through all the boxes in the living room, and now have five completely emptied. It was a mixture of keep, donate, gift to a friend, and trash. I parted with a few things that I have had much of my life, but they were no longer serving my authentic self. It has been easier to let go of things than I thought it would be. Creating two baskets for “deal with it later because I’m not quite ready yet” has helped a lot. It’s interesting because one of the baskets has items that I will bring along with me in my van for my crazy adventure. Some of the things, like my crystals, I just simply do not have time to sort and go through. I want to find a way to display and enjoy them. It’s a project for another day, not for the week I’m moving.

Another huge win today was I sold one of the IKEA Pax storage sets. It was a great idea to leave it in my car and negotiate delivery. I didn’t have to unload it, the person purchasing it offer $25 for delivery, and they live in the neighbourhood beside me. A total win-win for both of us. What was a very frustrating moment at IKEA yesterday turned out much better for me. If IKEA had accepted the return, I would’ve had a gift card. And now I will have cash.

I am one step closer to getting my plane ticket to Kansas. It keeps going up in price so I’m kind of chasing it, so hopefully the race ends tomorrow.

The struggles today… I never got started on my paperwork sorting. I know I’ve been avoiding it (for years), so why not analyze it. It should be pretty black-and-white – create a pile for everybody including the business. Then put the paper in the right pile. It should not be difficult at all, and yet most people struggle with paperwork.

Going through the paperwork is like going down memory lane. And many of us are not where we thought we would be at this point. In fact, many of us have gone backwards, especially if we’ve been through a divorce. The last time I sorted the paperwork was when I was going through full disclosure for court. I think my biggest divorce temper tantrums rose out of looking at the paperwork. I remember being so angry at the demise of our finances throughout our marriage. It was the first time I faced the financial cost of addiction, and how those purchases overrode our family’s basic needs. At the time, I was thinking, how did I not notice? I now understand it was because I was in survival mode and just trying to get through each hour of each day.

The paperwork also reminds me that I am a few years behind in business taxes. There was an incident in the business four years ago, and I have not touched the taxes since. Now they are past due and could cause me problems. It’s not the taxes I don’t want to face (I don’t owe any money), it’s sorting out the complete mess because someone I did business with committed fraud and stole a lot of money from me. He fled the country so suing him was not an option, and I am going to have to face, on paper, the amount that he stole from me. This incident was also why I was unable to purchase my home, and ultimately why I am moving this week. Everything has consequences. This weighs on me every day.

And that reminds me that Revenue Canada has decided to audit me for my personal taxes. I have until this Monday to file all the paperwork. I know it’s printed out and somewhere in the piles of paper. I can’t even complain, because I did make a small error regarding my student loans. I just don’t want to do it. It probably reminds me that I owe $8000 for student loans, and I never even looked for a job in that field. No regrets going back to school though.

The difficulty seems to once again lie in the emotions, not the actual task or object.

Tomorrow I will conquer the paperwork!

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