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Stink, Stank, Stunk Blog

What's the "troubled dance or cycle of disconnection"

I took this concept from the late researcher and couples therapist Sue Johnson. Imagine you and your partner start dancing, somebody or both of you get off beat, steps on each other's feet, and then step on each other’s feet again. While on the dance floor, you two engage in what is called “intense fellowship.”

Here is the thing, this is where the performance anxiety kicks in. It’s the same system that impacts the elite athlete who falls apart at crunch time. Or imagine someone who fears public speaking, when its to give a speech, they are overwhelmed by a feeling in their brain and body. That is the “troubled dance or cycle” of disconnection.

This "dance," this mis-attempt to handle intense fellowship, starts as a storm, continues to gain energy and become a tropical storm, continues over warm water, spins harder and faster, until one of you or both of you walk off the figurative dance floor, not knowing how to repair or get back on the dance floor.

In reality, based on how you are wired, for example, with the help of a tool such as the Flight Assessment 2.0 or how we learned how you learned to handle conflict when you're emotionally overwhelmed, you get stuck in a pattern of disrespect and miscommunication. If I was a betting person, it involves a pattern of pursuing and distancing. The issue is, neither you or your dance partner can ask for what you need in a way the other person can hear it. For you, this means seeing you dance partner pull away, your brain sets off your threat response aka the flight and fight response.

As a practicing therapist, one of the modalities I studied was Terry Real, creator of Relational Life Therapy. In an interview with GQ He writes, when guys come to see him, he tells them “it’s not their fault. Everything you learned as a boy about what makes a good man will ensure by today’s standards, you’ll be a lousy husband (boyfriend). ” It’s really difficult to be a good dance partner and be invulnerable at the same time.

Here is the takeaway about that makes this dance so difficult. Why?" If you are like me, most guys were not taught how to effectively express themself when emotionally overwhelmed during relational conflict, the consequence, “the troubled dance or cycle” of disconnection. This dance caused me my first marriage and all that comes with leaving home with two boys. I will share more on this later.

Not mastering the troubled dane leads to misunderstandings and emotional distance with not your intimate partner, this dance impact meaningful others such as your children.

Wanting to walk off the floor can occur after one song or over time. You’ll know because you'll feel this in your body when these patterns show up. This disconnection and distance from those you care about. LOL, this is what those slow songs thrive off.

If this sounds like a dance you get suck in during intense fellowship there is hope.

I have successfully helped dozens of guy stop this two-step. Just like any skill, you can learn new moves that build healthier connections.

This community will help you understand the origin of those patterns. There us power connect with and listening to other guys who share our experiences. Connecting to the guys in this community will allow you to find strategies to reclaim and take back how you want to sow up in your relationships with important others.

If you want to take back and reclaim how you show up on the dance floor:

DM me ASAP. Or tap into bsaq1.com

Please comment, like and share.

Kris

Ref:

https://www.gq.com/story/men-say-they-want-to-be-married-terry-real-can-help

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