3d • General discussion
Stink, Stank, Stuck blog - Defining Domestic Dance in the Troubled Dance
What’s Up Community —
October is Domestic Violence (DV) Month.
I believe some topics are important enough, they should be addressed in some form all year long. Not just when a crisis have a couple on the 6 'clock news.
This is why I am tapping in today to give you language around one of the most under reported crimes in the U.S. - Domestic Violence.
I’m coming in hot because certain topic matters more than others. When any of us, myself included, begin our troubled dance or cycle of disconnection, if we don't use our tools, we can walk a fine line of engaging in abusive behaviors if we don't know what they are and as this community grows, many may not.
My role as the coach in this community is to be a language teacher. This post, language to understand what engaging in abusive behavior connected to the troubled dance or cycle of disconnection.
Boys were not taught to define Domestic Violence other than the physical abuse. If guys don't know what it is, how do you know if you are a perpretator of DV or not.
Well, as your coach I am bout to help you out. Here is the new language.
Both men and women interpret DV to mean just hitting.
Nah, here is the take away for the community, DV is way bigger than that.
As you see down below, there are eight different abusive dynamics, and most men or their partner were never exposed to any of them other than hitting.
Here is the thing: In my opinion, there are so many disturbing statistics tied to DV, the education piece is lacking. DV has the potential to touch so many homes. We only hear about DV issues when something tragic happens to a couple and it makes the 6pm news. ,
DV cannot only highlighted in October (DV month).
DV is said to be the most underreported crime in the United States. Some experts say 1 in 4 women have been physically abused. And it takes up to seven times for a woman to finally leave a domestic violence relationship.
For my guys, after reading this post, today, I hope it has helped this community
For this Community, DV will not be a part of our troubled dance or cycle of disconnection.
So, let's define DV in This Community?
Let’s keep it simple and clear:
DV is when a man uses behaviors to gain power and control over his partner
His behaviors are called tactics.
Someone who uses those tactics is called a perpetrator,
His partner who experiences abuse is called a victim.
In most cases, I look at DV from the mental health lens. This is not a couple issue, this is a troubled dance of the man. If you are wired to engage in DV, you will need to find the proper programming. Some couple therapist/counselors will not accept a couple actively engaged in DV.
.
Some takeaways for you as your coach is this:
Never let your troubled dance or cycle of disconnection pull you so far down that you confuse your behavior with DV or accidentally step into DV tactics.
Language helps us catch ourselves before it’s too late.
The Duluth Power & Control Wheel
(I don’t have rights to show it here, but you can see it on this site.)
Click this link to access the full wheel gallery:
8 abusive dynamics that show up DV relationships:
- Using Intimidation
- Using Emotional Abuse
- Using Isolation
- Minimizing, Blaming, Denying
- Using Children
- Using Male Privilege
- Using Economic Abuse
- Using Coercion & Threats
Once you learn this language, you can’t “unsee” it.
Now, this helps you understand your behavior, your partner’s fear, and where your relationship may have slipped into danger.
I will go deeper into each tactic in the upcoming weeks.
DV is too big to cover in one post — and I promise I’ll break down each spoke of the wheel in future posts. This topic deserves depth and respect.
Let’s Start the Discussion
Drop your thoughts below:
Did anything on the wheel surprise you?
Were you taught DV was “just physical”?
Have you ever realized you used a tactic without knowing it had a name?
It’s possible your answers could always help someone out in the community.
Please share, share link to others to join the community, like, comment
A Quick Shoutout to the Matriarch of DV Mrs. Yvette Ellis
I was introduced to the Duluth Model from Mrs. Yvette Ellis, who I call the Matriarch of Domestic Violence work.
I’ve watched her program change the lives of dozens of men.
I learned more from co-facilitating with her than any book or training.
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Stink, Stank, Stuck blog - Defining Domestic Dance in the Troubled Dance
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I help guys stop their "troubled dance of disconnection" in their intimate relationship through the eyes of the Grinch's behavior.
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