meeting an avoidant? it's a long read if anyone likes a story lol

hi so my names hannah i'm 38 i'm diagnosed adhd autistic and BPD. (borderline personality disorder) body dismorphia, anxiety/social anxiety, depression, binge eating disorder.

i have struggled with my mental health pretty much my whole life and any relationship i've had was always toxic and chaotic.

my sons dad left us when he was two after that i didn't have a relationship only 'fun'

i've stayed single for pretty much 17 years and done my best to work on myself. my binge eating disorder resulted in me getting to 345lb and developing diabetes. my mental health got to the point i didn't leave the house.

so i've worked really hard i've lost 182lb i've had counciling learnt to look after my self better, to have a better understanding of myself and my struggles.

so after being on my own for so long i decided i felt ready to start dating. i felt i can be more open and honest about my issues and so on.

over the years i've been on dating sites etc but never really clicked with anyone.

so i get a match with someone on hinge and we started taking about a band we both love. he sent me his number and said due to his work it's easier to text.

he made it very clear from the beginning that he had a good job and earnt good money for me this is not important but it made me feel uncomfortable as my income is not great i am my sons full time carer due to his disability's. so it put me off from replying when he asked me what i did for a living. he also made it clear that he works monday to friday and sleeps in his truck so we would only get to see each other on weekends which i was absolutely fine with.

a couple days later i was talking to my friend i had told her i had got talking to this guy but i hadn't replied because of my concerns to being judged she said to me that i shouldn't do that and let him be the judge. so i replied and his response was not what i was expecting. he said that i should be proud of myself that is can't be easy etc, this made me feel safe and comfortable and from then on we got talking every day for hours and got really close.

he wanted to meet pretty much straight away but i explained that i wasn't comfortable with that that i would sooner set a date and just continue to spend time getting to know each other. well i don't know what it was but i just fell for him i had feelings for him before i even met him. in this time i was very open and honestly about my mental health and how it effects me. that i do need a lot of reassurance that i worry that i may be too much. he consistently reassured me that he's not 'scared' as he would put it. he would even focus the future, holidays, living together all sorts i felt scared has hadn't even met him but at the same time if felt right so i tried not to let it scare me too much and said to myself everything feels so right go with the flow. he was always complimenting me etc our personalities just matched he made me laugh so much and we shared so many interests/hobbies same music same films literally everything!

so a month goes by and we're meeting i was so unbelievably nervous but so excited to meet him. the date went amazing we went go karting and i actually fell asleep in the car on my way home i felt really safe and comfortable with him. suffering with anxiety this was a huge huge thing for me and completely out of my comfort zone. we had a kiss good night 💚 everything felt perfect he dropped me off at home we spoke on the phone before i went to bed. called me early the next morning and was talking about the date for the week after.

he wanted to take me to manchester to stay in a beautiful hotel. although this was a completely out of my comfort zone i agreed i felt safe to do so i felt like i had known him forever. so we spoke every day for the week we would spend hours on the phone whilst he was at work, spend evenings texting and sending each other silly reels etc. it got to the weekend we were both so excited to see each other and although it was soon we had discussed intimacy before hand and agreed we both felt ready to be intimate. we had the most amazing night! he was so hands on lots of compliments and was always telling me how sexy he thinks i am the next morning we swam in the hotel pool it was strange because i felt he seemed withdrawn but thought maybe he's overwhelmed by the noise and then we left and he took me home. i felt so content on the drive home i felt tearful with happiness ..like all the trauma i've experienced in my life all the work i've put in trying to better myself physically and mentally that the work was finally being paid off.

so the following week he wasn't working he was going away with his dad for 3 days. he was excited to see me when he was getting back and booked a hotel in chester and wanted to take me to the zoo knowing i loved animals. he did message me whilst he was away but obvious i didn't wanna bother him with him being away and wanted to respect his space. he said things like i really want to bring you here sometimes it's beautiful. he did message but not as much i didn't take this personally because i thought well he will be busy.

over our dates i had uploaded pics on to my instagram and i had changed my profile pic to us on wasap. he on the other had hadn't, i respected this as i thought maybe hes just more private. i didn't ask questions.

so it gets to him coming to take me to the hotel to go to the zoo he had already traveled 5 hours that morning getting back from his break then 1.5 hours to me then 2 hours to where we were going. we get there and we're in bed and i felt an energy shift he just didn't seem and hands on wasn't as affectionate as he had been i hadn't seen him all week so naturally expect him to be a bit more hands on. i didn't take it personally and thought well maybe he's tired he's had a busy week and he's done a lot of travelling today. but i made a move and we were intimate. the next day we went to the zoo it was amazing we had a really good day we went to the gift shop after he bought me a teddy it was lovely we went shopping and good i didn't get home until really late. he dropped me off we face timed whislt he drove home was perfect.

so over the weekend he didn't really message me as much as he normally would i felt a bit confused and felt like i didn't wanna bother him. i changed my profile pic on wasap and then he changed his to one of us. what confused me is that he would take hours to reply to my messages but when ever we were together he was always on his phone 🥺 i felt the energy shift i was feeling scared and vulnerable.

so monday he's back at work i asked him if we could have a face time that evening ... we agreed a time .. i sat and waited but nothing i get a message at 1 in the morning im so sorry i fell aswell. we can face time now i said no if you're tired its not good go back to sleep with him driving trucks i didn't want the call waking him up then not being able to sleep knowing he's driving all day. i notices that he had stopped complimenting me stopped sending me cute things like he missed me or can't wait for cuddles etc it all stopped. i thought maybe he doesn't find me attractive all these thoughts going round and round in my head. that weekend i had booked a hotel for 2 nights i had told him that i felt something was different and he reassured me that everything was fine. gets to the weekend i had bought some lingerie because he said he was really into it he didn't show much interest for intimacy but he knew i had bought it so i put it on and i came on to him his words were 'if you insist' the feeling in my stomach 🥺 i had gone completely out of my comfort zone to do this no compliments nothing. so over the 2 nights we were intimate once but he didn't seem bothered.

by the next week im so so confused my anxiety was so bad, i overthought it all constantly. i had booked a flat for the weekend he's back at work excuses for why he's not messaged much, he's tired from work etc. i tried sending him a sexy message to be told i shouldn't do that hes working. my head was spinning, how had it gone from talking to me consistently, reassurance, being cute sexting all sorts to nothing. i took all out pics of social media i felt like i was making an idiot out of myself. so it got midweek and i felt i had to say something that i had to end him that he's gonna hurt me: i know i went the wrong way about it but i panicked and i sent him a message saying that i could feel things had changed that i felt he wasn't into me that i was scared i didn't wanna continue and get hurt and i blocked him on wasap i was scared of the reply. he calls me the next evening and said that all his fears had come to him at once that he wasn't gonna chace if it's not us im wanting that he still wants to see me but won't force anything. i opened up to him and talked to him about some of my child hood traumas involving my parents and how i was raised i was groomed from the age of 11-14 by one mad and 14- to just turned 15 by another man and i was abuducted by him it was in national news at the time. i didn't tell him because i wanted him to feel sorry for me i told him because i wanted him to understand why i get so scared of being abandoned. the next morning i get a text saying that he doesn't know what we're are yet and doesn't want to commit, my head was spinning he just confirmed how i was feeling how has he gone from talking about out future talking about living together holidays to i wanna take things day by day. this terrified me i was already so invested with my feelings and the not knowing was making me feel like im gonna invest more feelings into him and he's gonna abandon me. it was so upsetting as he was the one that gave me the idea he wanted these things.

so it got to the weekend i didnt make a move on him this time and we weren't intimate he gave me cuddles and the odd kiss but it still felt withdrawn. we went for dinner on the sunday and he went home. i get a message to say he really loves waking up with me and that it makes him happy. so i'm confused again. on his way home someone hit his car smashing the wing mirror off and he was so upset. his car is his baby.

i had booked the flat for the following weekend but i knew that the repairs on the car will stress him especially when he's working all week so i said to him don't come friday just come saturday night it gives you time to get some things done in the day. it got to say morning and i could here how stressed he was i said to him that there's no pressure if he can't get through. he messaged me at 5:40 to tell me he didn't feel like driving through. that he didn't feel like being social that he wants to go to bed or play his ps5. it wasn't the fact he didn't want to come through it was my head screaming somethings not right he doesn't want to be social .. how is sitting with me being social i felt so confused then making it clear he's not gonna be available phone wise. i panicked my body was telling me something not right and i bailed i just said okay im glad your cars sorted and i just blocked i thought im gonna say something i regret. the next day he called me and said he didn't think it was right that i did that just because he wanted his own space i explained that it wasn't and how i was feeling i noticed more and more that when ever i mentioned how something was making me feel he didn't answer or he was going more distant. i was so so confused this guy wants to see me he drives all this way to see me. giving me

so many mixed signals. so i sent him a message telling him that i need consistency and communication that with this things i function fine, i asked him if he wanted to take a break from seeing each other and carrying on talking but he didn't answer the question just talked all week as if i hadn't said anything. i also said that i felt i needed to take a step back because i was worried that im investing feelings into someone that was gonna just end it with me. he told me that he needs more time to build a bond and that he knows he is getting one. i with drew and the found he was messaging one more but i was so confused i didn't know what to think what was real anymore. at this point my anxiety is so so bad to the point i am shaking constantly. i ended up in hospital it was a sunday my blood pressure was so high when i come out of hospital he said to me that he thinks my not sleeping is the reason we are having problems i felt angry like some how this is my fault even though im telling him how things are making me feel. i said to him maybe we should call this a day? he pleaded with me not too said that it is us that he wants sending me all the pics of us together saying he doesn't want us to end it worked i listened and i said okay.. the next morning (monday) i hadn't heard from him i sent him a message a said this is what i mean i don't know what's going on and it's setting my anxiety off i need communication so he ended it. he wanted to pick a hoodie and 1 pair of boxers up from mine on the saturday morning when he was off work . i asked him if i could post on numerous occasion he said no ill come and get them i said why would you spend 2.5 hours driving on your day off when i can post them. i asked him to collect them from my aunties down the road he said no. i asked him if he had thought about us and if there was any chance he thought we could be making a mistake, he said no it's done. i said okay i won't chase him.

i told him that i thought he is DA and that im AA and that with understanding of each other we may be able to work on things, i told him that i see him, i see his struggles and that i do understanding and i want to make this work regardless of the struggles.

sat morning he comes for his things tells me he doesn't wanna see me can i leave it out side. i was so hurt! i said have i meant nothing to you? this is the last time you've got chance to see me. he took his things and sent me a voice note that it's not that he didn't wanna see me it's that he can't stop thinking about us about what could of been that he just wants to be able to kiss and hug me and can't. that evening i sent him a couple voice notes saying if he felt like that why didn't then come back why didn't he come talk to me. the next morning he had changed his profile pic to him and a girl and blocked me on everything. pics of her on fb etc now. most painful thing i have ever ever had to deal with. he said that i was his type! and she is the complete opposite to me in every way possible!!

i am a deep empath and i am anxious i pick up on absolutely everything. i feel everything. to the point that in public i can feel other people's energy. because is this i picked up on every tiny shift, he stopped calling me beautiful etc it gone from morning beautiful to morning you. i understand that im hard work but my anxiety wouldn't have got like that if he hadn't changed and withdrawn if that makes sense. also when i called him out on it he told me that relationships aren't a based on sex and funny reels. which no they aren't but it's honey moon period and i didn't understand what was happening he said it's cause he was comfortable with me 🤷‍♀️ that he hadn't really noticed a change that i've taken him by surprise, i asked him if he found me attractive but instead of reassurance he said do you think we'd be doing the things we do if we didn't?

do people agree that he's a dismissive avoidant? or have i just been played for a huge fool

it's 5 weeks today no contact and 3 weeks since i've looked at anything i'm still in unbelievable pain.

can anyone tell me if they think i am a fearful avoidant with my behaviour? or is it just the anxious attachment.

i did everything i could to show him that i cared about him. i stepped out of my comfort zone on so many levels. i refused to let him pay for everything regardless of the fact his income was much higher than mine. our first date i made him a gift bag with little items of things we had talked about. i'm so so hurt how is it she's now posted on everything yet never posted me? how can he just block me on everything like that after sending me a voice note like that. what did i do to deserve this.

i wish i could stop it all going round and round in my head i wish i didn't feel this pain. how could he do this to me after i was so so open and honest about absolutely everything.

i know it's not all about looks! but how can he go on and on that he's so into me by my style my tattoos! everything then go with someone that looks completely opposite it's triggered my body dismorphia and made me other think did he mean it?? did he find me attractive

im the blonde tattooed one i can't help but compare myself. why me why i've fought so hard mentally and physically to get where i am

we had only been split up 5 days! 5 days!! and he was at work so long were they talking/meeting how can he do this

26 comments